Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Santa, I don't recall asking for a bigger butt for Christmas. It's not that I don't appreciate all the gifts that you brought me, but I'd just like to know... can I exchange it for a smaller size?

   I think the best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have.

   I'm gonna assume my sisters email got hacked and that she has not really resorted to becoming a penis pump sales person..

   Recently lost a penny. If you've seen it, please FedEx it overnight to me. It was copper in color and had a picture of a dude's profile on it.

   i was trying to remember how to throw a boomerang and then it suddenly came back to me

   life is such a fkn rollercoaster then it drops, but what should I scream for? this is my theme park. my mind shine even when my thoughts seem dark.

   Behind every great man is a ninja. And behind that ninja is another ninja.

   still accidentaly writes 2009 instead of 2010... and this will probably continue until the end of February.

   When the phone rings and you want to screw with the caller, just answer saying, "Bob's Orphanage, you make' em we take' em!"

   This lady in front of me has more coupons than groceries!

   If you don't like me remember it's mind over matter; I don't mind and you don't matter.

   It's so hot in here Nelly and his crew just showed up.

   now currently accepting resumes for a Full and/or Part time girlfriend. All applicants may apply within. You will be contacted with a call back if you meet the appropriate requirements. Please send you # at FB mail. Thank you

   Subway is being sued for lying about length?!?!?....Not the first time length has been lied about!

   One time I farted so loud in my sleep they had to stop the bus...

   Wayne Brady honoring black history month is like Nickelback inducting Zeppelin into the Rock n Roll hall of fame

   When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking... Unless the answer is yes... In which case, can he videotape it?

   Quick, have sex with me, I'll explain later.

   If Donald Trump combs his hair back live on TV facing the camera, I'll send a check for $5 to any "Hair Club For Men" chapter of his choice....

   If you need space - join 'NASA' Baby! XD