Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Maybe it's not alcoholism. Maybe it's just stress intervention.

   Canadian Birthday Traditions: Apologizing for the candles being so hot.

   2016 and we've yet to see the 3 breasted woman from Total Recall.

   Dating sites remind us how many freaks are living among us.

   .... Hey ... instead of complaining when the fat TSA agent makes you take your shoes off at the airport because of that failed shoe bombing attempt...... Be very grateful ....... because there was also a failed underwear bombing attempt.

   Vaseline or Neosporin? I need to make a rash decision.

   Twitter is the government's elaborate plan to keep us all off the streets

   it cheating if I put pictures of my food on another website? was just wondering...

   Sorry for pushing you back with a ten foot pole when you asked me to hold your baby.

   My emotional status hinges on how long I have to wait to eat again.

   To the guy who named Meatloaf, thanks for all your hard work.

   Uptight, dumb chick litmus test. Send her a Poke. If she gets overly offended, don't bother going any further.

   Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away with it!

   I saw on the news that Flavor Flav is 56 years old today, and had two immediate thoughts: 1. How the F$%^ did Flav manage to take care of himself for 56 years? 2. F$%^, I'm old.

   It's really difficult to take your argument seriously with your extreme use of emoji's.

   You had me at, "Why do people keep asking me,what kind meds am I on?"

   Even if a b1tch ain't one, 99 problems is still a lot.

   Bon Jovi lives but John Tucker must die

   Wear your socks to bed, so I know you have no interest in having sex.

   I'm dumb. I thought an emu was when you sent someone a cow via cyber mail.