Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   StubHub should really be a place where single amputees meet.

   If you were never stuck in the corner for doing something bad when you were younger then you never had a childhood

   Dear pretty girls in my classes, You have significantly improved my attendance. Keep doing what you do. Much love, The brunette guy you keep catching staring at you.

   forgot to put the seat belt on my 8-year-old boy this morning. "You are an irresponsible father!" Someone shouted "Who said that? I shouted. "Stop the car, son."

   That makes about as much sense as a a gay guy in a topless bar

   Drive defensively. Buy a tank.

   Dear Sir, Since taking your body building course, I have a 44 inch chest, a 32 inch waist, 17 inch biceps and an 18 inch neck. I feel great. I also feel that my chances of marriage are spoiled. Sincerely, Mary Goldberg

   "Tip for today's value shopper: Keep UPC's in your pocket and use the self-checkout."

   I forgive people, but that doesn't mean I trust them thereafter.

   Authorities would stop worrying about the number of people who die because of alcohol if they took into account the number of people who are born because of alcohol.

   Happy TGIF to all you hardworking homemakers...(hey, its cheaper than flowers)

   What's the best way to keep from wrinkling? Keep fat.

   My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

   Whenever I find out someone has a waterbed I always think, “That's probably not the only thing you have”.

   You know, come to think of it, I have never seen Charlie Sheen and Gaddafi in the same room either.... Coincidence?? Just sayin...

   Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking.

   woke up to the sound of ANGELIC SINGING! I thought I died and went to heaven! it was just MY MOM had the ROYAL WEDDING ON FULL BLAST IN THE HOUSE!

   For those who will celebrate Cinco de Mayo with "authentic" 36% beef tacos, we pray to the Lord.

   The sucky thing about rapture is that I was totally going to start a workout regime THAT NIGHT. Stupid end of days.

   Brooklyn Decker is either an ungodly hot supermodel, or a delicious, multi-tiered sandwich. You can't lose with a Brooklyn Decker.