Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   's mind suffered a mild psychotic episode, will be back as soon as the narcotics kick in ;)

   I got fired from my job as a software engineer. I just couldn't get with the program.

   Communication during sex is like scratching someone's elses back, its not a insult to your ability if they say "little to the left and harder!" to get that spot.

   Myspace who?

   It's really awkward that all of the people who post the "how did you meet me" statuses are all people I haven't met.. then again, I don't go outside

   to be a roadie,, get on the roads not on a stupid tv show!!!

   If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

   Still can't believe Skeletor and Stretch Armstrong sold out and started selling cars.....

   If I had wanted to talk I would've worn underwear

   Toy dinosaurs are made of plastic. Plastic is made from oil. Oil comes from million-year-old dinosaur remains. So toy dinosaurs are actually made from real dinosaurs.

   I'm watching the Army/Navy game and Santiago is playing quarterback for Army...I'm just sitting here thinking, "I'll be damned, the Code Red worked"

   Pay it forward, but with booze.

   I just learned that George de Mestral, the man who invented Velcro, died in 1990. RIP, George. RIP.

   I think the people who own funeral homes should have digital clocks outside, counting down.

   "You're a tall drink of water." "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer."

   I'm not arguing. I'm explaining why I'm right and you're wrong.

   The actor Peter Cullen voiced both Eeyore AND Optimus Prime. That trivia will be in your brain forever. You're welcome.

   "I'd pap that" ~ Gynocologists

   Picture this: Cee Lo and a T-Rex in a slap fight.

   Selfie or not here I come