Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went on Dragons Den the other night and showed them my Dads old Shotgun. Peter Jones said " And whats your idea?" I replied "It's a simple Concept Peter just put all the Money in the f**king bag!"

   We need to talk, shuffle.. One Hall & Oates song is a great idea - but two in a row is completely unacceptable.

   I wonder if I tell my kids I'm calling Santa, will work after Christmas too!

   Have you ever tried breathing out of your mouth and nose at the same time? Are you trying it now?

   I like to drink red and blue poweraide so I can feel like I'm drinking health and mana potions

   'Im not questioning your observation skills but am merely remarking on the paradox of asking a masked man who he is...'

   neighborhood walker: Who are you talking to on the cell at 6:30 in the morning?

   I dont know if my piggy bank is sick or anorexic but its been getting real skinny lately and I dont wanna be charged to animal cruelty so time to make some cash.

   's mind suffered a mild psychotic episode, will be back as soon as the narcotics kick in ;)

   I got fired from my job as a software engineer. I just couldn't get with the program.

   Communication during sex is like scratching someone's elses back, its not a insult to your ability if they say "little to the left and harder!" to get that spot.

   Myspace who?

   It's really awkward that all of the people who post the "how did you meet me" statuses are all people I haven't met.. then again, I don't go outside

   to be a roadie,, get on the roads not on a stupid tv show!!!

   If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

   Still can't believe Skeletor and Stretch Armstrong sold out and started selling cars.....

   If I had wanted to talk I would've worn underwear

   Toy dinosaurs are made of plastic. Plastic is made from oil. Oil comes from million-year-old dinosaur remains. So toy dinosaurs are actually made from real dinosaurs.

   I'm watching the Army/Navy game and Santiago is playing quarterback for Army...I'm just sitting here thinking, "I'll be damned, the Code Red worked"

   Pay it forward, but with booze.