Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went on Dragons Den the other night and showed them my Dads old Shotgun. Peter Jones said " And whats your idea?" I replied "It's a simple Concept Peter just put all the Money in the f**king bag!"

   We need to talk, shuffle.. One Hall & Oates song is a great idea - but two in a row is completely unacceptable.

   I wonder if I tell my kids I'm calling Santa, will work after Christmas too!

   Have you ever tried breathing out of your mouth and nose at the same time? Are you trying it now?

   I like to drink red and blue poweraide so I can feel like I'm drinking health and mana potions

   'Im not questioning your observation skills but am merely remarking on the paradox of asking a masked man who he is...'

   setting up a trap to capture Santa when he comes down my chimney tomorrow. I figure he will bring a hefty ransom from the world! Mmmmuuahhhaaha...

   i didn't know that your favorite sport is Social Climbing.

   Still can't believe Skeletor and Stretch Armstrong sold out and started selling cars.....

   If I had wanted to talk I would've worn underwear

   Toy dinosaurs are made of plastic. Plastic is made from oil. Oil comes from million-year-old dinosaur remains. So toy dinosaurs are actually made from real dinosaurs.

   I'm watching the Army/Navy game and Santiago is playing quarterback for Army...I'm just sitting here thinking, "I'll be damned, the Code Red worked"

   Pay it forward, but with booze.

   I just learned that George de Mestral, the man who invented Velcro, died in 1990. RIP, George. RIP.

   I think the people who own funeral homes should have digital clocks outside, counting down.

   "You're a tall drink of water." "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer."

   I'm not arguing. I'm explaining why I'm right and you're wrong.

   The actor Peter Cullen voiced both Eeyore AND Optimus Prime. That trivia will be in your brain forever. You're welcome.

   "I'd pap that" ~ Gynocologists

   Picture this: Cee Lo and a T-Rex in a slap fight.