Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So it turns out the bean sprouts are innocent and have been released without charge, cucumbers are still suspect and being interviewed. But I have a seriously guilty looking tomato in the fridge......

   the akward moment when you open the fridge and a fly comes out

   to the guy who keeps posting with such enthusiam about his wife's mum, might be better off spending time looking into your own gene pool first

   Random thought: I wonder if couches at nudist colonies smell like ass?

   I was on the phone last night with my mom and I was telling her that I had a real bad headache? She says, "You have any acetylsalicylic acid?" I said, "Ma, you mean aspirin?" She goes, “That's it, I can never remember that word.”

   You think a day care has a lot of crying babies and screaming kids? Try playing one online match in Call of Duty v_v

   Somewhere, right now, MySpace Tom is giving himself a pep talk in a mirror.

   Judging from all the Facebooks post,I am coming out with a fragrance that smells like fresh rain!

   Ladies: I know you have more etiquette than that. Stop Showing Everything, let male minds wonder what's there.

   saw a man with one arm walk into a second hand store.

   I want Bieber-canceling headphones.

   Hi. I'm probably on-line, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't message back, it's you

   I can't remember the last time I've enjoyed St. Patrick's Day....which means I'm doing it right!!

   New concept: Thinking of writing a book that will be nowhere near as good as the movie.

   a man with a plan. Granted my plan involves beer, strippers and chicken wings but a plan none the less.

   I'm feeling a little superheroish, so tonight I'm wearing my speedo on top of my jeans when I go out.

   When you and your friends are watching NFL games at home, do you stand for the National Anthem or continues to sit on the couch, drink your beer and eat nacho's?

   Worst. Apology. Ever.

   Im sooo embarrased.. One day at a DEM convention, I yawned and Bill stuck his cokc in my mouth.

   Castro Is Dead. Okay, all you Cubanos in Miami can go back now.