Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Target: 50 shades of Manatee Gray

   To Fatty, go ahead and pull the trigger or shut up.

   Kirsty Alley...Ralph Macchio.?....they should call it "Dancing with the has beens."

   People are talking about the oil companies profits. People need to be talking about the fed government income from the gas taxation. Talk about being appalled and they don't do anything but collect money...

   Now that Osama is dead we can focus on more important things like why has anyone made a new Ernest movie..

   rose scented air freshener and poop do not mix

   Before giving a piece of your mind, be sure you have enough to spare.

   I wonder if the lamestream media has anything better to do today than follow around the crazy lady on the bus or worry about pics of congressmen in their underwear? Focus people! There's real news happening all over the world!

   So it turns out the bean sprouts are innocent and have been released without charge, cucumbers are still suspect and being interviewed. But I have a seriously guilty looking tomato in the fridge......

   the akward moment when you open the fridge and a fly comes out

   to the guy who keeps posting with such enthusiam about his wife's mum, might be better off spending time looking into your own gene pool first

   Random thought: I wonder if couches at nudist colonies smell like ass?

   I was on the phone last night with my mom and I was telling her that I had a real bad headache? She says, "You have any acetylsalicylic acid?" I said, "Ma, you mean aspirin?" She goes, “That's it, I can never remember that word.”

   You think a day care has a lot of crying babies and screaming kids? Try playing one online match in Call of Duty v_v

   Somewhere, right now, MySpace Tom is giving himself a pep talk in a mirror.

   Judging from all the Facebooks post,I am coming out with a fragrance that smells like fresh rain!

   Ladies: I know you have more etiquette than that. Stop Showing Everything, let male minds wonder what's there.

   saw a man with one arm walk into a second hand store.

   I want Bieber-canceling headphones.

   Hi. I'm probably on-line, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't message back, it's you