Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife hates sex but I am so glad her best friend doesn't

   Be with a guy that ruins your lipstick, not your mascara

   I have never voted in my life... I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it's certain they will win.

   A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

   I hate it when people see me at the supermarket and they're like 'Hey, what are you doing here?' I tell them 'You know, hunting elephants.'

   Did Da Bears really just march into Green Bay and beat the Pack, just wanted to Daaable Check

   "She's so ugly, how does she have a boyfriend?"... Maybe she has an amazing personality and her boyfriend isn't a judgemental c%nt like you.

   IF YOU COPY AND PASTE SOMEONE'S STATUS THAT IS WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS, OTHERS NEED TO BEWARE!!! YOU JUST FAILED THE SOCIAL MEDIA IQ TEST, YOU MORON. THIS INDICATES THAT YOU ARE NOT PLAYING WITH A FULL DECK AND ARE MOST GULLIBLE AND PRONE FOR COMPUTER HACKING

   Told one of my favorite co-workers she drew her eyebrows on a little too high one morning a few years back. I've never forgotten how surprised she looked.

   Sometimes I think the only thing keeping me from knocking my kids' teeth out is not having dental insurance.

   Oh you hate your job? Theres a support group for that, its called EVERYBODY'S USED THIS POST ONE TOO MANY TIMES!

   feed the homeless to the hungry, 2 problems solved......

   I'm so good at cooking, that the smoke alarm is cheering me on!

   it legal yet to kill ex-husbands?? If not, vote for me next election, and I'll make that piece of legislation my first order of business.

   Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

   naked picturs of the Queen!......OOOPS! this is'nt Google

   NO officer, I did not hit her, I simply FIST pumped her face.

   Ever worry that the sensor on the back of an automatic toilet is actually a little video camera?

   Just seen a scarecrow trying to have a wank..... Poor fucker was clutching at straws !!

   me and the wife do it doggy style , I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead