Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I really think the Mars Rover is scouting for the next Wal-Mart Superstore site.

   I was told to get a life so Up Up, Down Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start now I have 30 of them!

   well atleast LA knows how to convict GUILTY people . . . maybe FL could learn a few pointers??? . . .

   Doctor says I have Gunter glieben glauchen globen syndrom. I break out in hives whenever I hear Def Leppard's "Rock of Ages".

   It doesn't matter how old or gangster you are- if a toddler hands you a toy phone, you answer that

   I think Hillary secretly wanted to go to prison so she could campaigin to all the black democrats

   Psychology: the search for selfunderstanding through the study of others.

   My wife hates sex but I am so glad her best friend doesn't

   Be with a guy that ruins your lipstick, not your mascara

   I have never voted in my life... I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it's certain they will win.

   A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

   I hate it when people see me at the supermarket and they're like 'Hey, what are you doing here?' I tell them 'You know, hunting elephants.'

   Did Da Bears really just march into Green Bay and beat the Pack, just wanted to Daaable Check

   "She's so ugly, how does she have a boyfriend?"... Maybe she has an amazing personality and her boyfriend isn't a judgemental c%nt like you.

   IF YOU COPY AND PASTE SOMEONE'S STATUS THAT IS WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS, OTHERS NEED TO BEWARE!!! YOU JUST FAILED THE SOCIAL MEDIA IQ TEST, YOU MORON. THIS INDICATES THAT YOU ARE NOT PLAYING WITH A FULL DECK AND ARE MOST GULLIBLE AND PRONE FOR COMPUTER HACKING

   Told one of my favorite co-workers she drew her eyebrows on a little too high one morning a few years back. I've never forgotten how surprised she looked.

   Sometimes I think the only thing keeping me from knocking my kids' teeth out is not having dental insurance.

   Oh you hate your job? Theres a support group for that, its called EVERYBODY'S USED THIS POST ONE TOO MANY TIMES!

   I should really turn my cell phone's voice recognition dialing off. I accidentally called Jesus Christ 24 times today. He's getting pissed...

   feed the homeless to the hungry, 2 problems solved......