Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The New York City protesters look like GOD picked up a Wallmart and dumped it on Wall Street.

   I want a Breast Cancer Awareness t-shirt that say "Yes they're fake, My real ones tried to kill me!"

   How many men does it take to open a beer? None! It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

   to wife: I told you I would fix it soon, there is no need to remind me every six months!!!

   n't the bigger question: How many people attended the Hillary Inauguration?

   I'm typing this update because some fat, ugly wildebeest just sat across from me in the lunchroom and I want to look busy.. thank you for your support and understanding. It means a lot to me in these times of uncertaint -ok she just left, that was close.

   Simba was walking to slow, so she told him to mufasa

   Santa must be a man. No woman would be caught dead wearing the same clothes every Christmas!

   "When I die I want it known I want to be buried face down, so anyone who didn't like me can KISS MY ass"!!!!!!

   Its a stank fishy smell in the air...the prostitutes must be overheating

   I want to name a race horse "my face”, that way everyone will be shouting “come on my face!"

   Those girls, fake hair color, fake nails, fake tan, fake eye lashes.. and yet they wonder why they can't find a "real" man

   Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons

   I really think the Mars Rover is scouting for the next Wal-Mart Superstore site.

   I was told to get a life so Up Up, Down Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start now I have 30 of them!

   well atleast LA knows how to convict GUILTY people . . . maybe FL could learn a few pointers??? . . .

   Doctor says I have Gunter glieben glauchen globen syndrom. I break out in hives whenever I hear Def Leppard's "Rock of Ages".

   It doesn't matter how old or gangster you are- if a toddler hands you a toy phone, you answer that

   I think Hillary secretly wanted to go to prison so she could campaigin to all the black democrats

   Psychology: the search for selfunderstanding through the study of others.