Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   DAD: "Son go back to bed. Monsters arent real" SON: "But dad I'm scared. And what are you wearin?" DAD: "Just armor to protect me from aliens. Aliens are real son"

   this bar sucks so much I just played every Nickelback song I could find on the jukebox and walked out......take that as$ clowns!

   I hate restaurants where they won't let you bring your own mariachi band.

   I would really appreciate it if Karma came with an explanatory note reminding you what you did to deserve it.

   Walk🚶🚶🚶 pass old Friends and Ex's..... .....Like I never knew them.✌✋✋😒

   My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... So that I can find a better girlfriend!

   All I want for Father's Day is the last freakin donut.

   my opinion is brought to you by the letter "F" & the letter "U"

   thinking whether he might think of what he is going to think about

   Daughter: dad I'm a lesbian Dad: Okay its cool 2nd daughter: dad I'm a lesbian too Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys? Son: I do

   If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

   I love my girlfriend! but my wife hate her.

   I hate When something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

   A lapdance is so much better when the stripper is cryin.

   They called it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.

   Two blondes stopped their car to let a funeral pass by..The first blonde asked, "Who died?".The second replied, "I think it is the person in the casket.".

   Miley Cyrus is the worst thing that happened to America!!

   not buying anything Michael Moore says anymore

   9 out of 10 men smell their finger after scratching their nuts

   Obama is like a penny.....2 sided and almost worthless