Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my opinion is brought to you by the letter "F" & the letter "U"

   thinking whether he might think of what he is going to think about

   Daughter: dad I'm a lesbian Dad: Okay its cool 2nd daughter: dad I'm a lesbian too Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys? Son: I do

   If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

   I love my girlfriend! but my wife hate her.

   I hate When something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

   A lapdance is so much better when the stripper is cryin.

   They called it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.

   Two blondes stopped their car to let a funeral pass by..The first blonde asked, "Who died?".The second replied, "I think it is the person in the casket.".

   Miley Cyrus is the worst thing that happened to America!!

   not buying anything Michael Moore says anymore

   9 out of 10 men smell their finger after scratching their nuts

   Obama is like a penny.....2 sided and almost worthless

   so today is Presidents' Day and I'm a bit confused...are we supposed to misplace our birth certificates and not salute the flag today?

   wonders if a guy stands up in church to disagree with the priest...is he called a mass debator?

   Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

   I've got a blind date tonight with this girl who is 78.8 inches tall, I can't wait two metre.

   There will soon come a time were I can not voice my OPINION by saying,"I HATE vile Brussels Sprouts!!" For fear of offending Farmers and the general population. So consider yourselves informed.

   What's the cheapest kind of meat?... Deer Balls, They're under a Buck!... *Drops mic.,, Cries behind stage*

   Biden is opening up the borders, wow what is it that this guy can't do "wrong"