Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   According to Dr.Oz, EVERYTHING is unhealthy to eat,drink, breathe and so on!

   One thing everyone will learn in school: How to text without looking.

   I can't trust anyone who wears a trench coat ever since McGruff the Crime Dog flashed me outside of a Miller's Outpost when I was nine :(

   If I didn't have any kids I would love to be a stay at home Dad.

   When I pump gas now I do it with my eyes closed cause I'm praying that $35 worth will get me through the week...

   You see,,, Once you start making Freudian slips, you can't stop,,, it's just one after a mother.

   I go to your page because I miss you, then regret it because of what I see.

   I'd like to live forever, if only cuz I am curious as to how the course of human history will play out: the probably drastically new technology in the far future, the rise and fall of new countries development of government, humans rights, literature, etc

   Glad Doc Brown no longer needs plutonium for his flux capacitor, ‘cause the Libyans are to busy having a party.

   Over 10,000 birds a year die from smashing into windows. They must still be using XP.

   The McRib is like the undead of the sandwich world, it keeps coming back. #ZombieFood!

   Kim Kardashian is filing divorce papers today. Is it proper etiquette for me to ask them to return the toaster I bought for them as wedding gift?

   No I did not flinch because you scared me, I flinched because of my instinct to survive.

   "You have the cutest little baby back rib face." The last thing you want to hear in Florida.

   I've never smoked Hookah, but I've been told it tastes exactly like not getting laid.

   Shout out to most of the Thundercats.

   Her: "Did you download the new Justin Bieber album?" Me: "No...I've got a horrible case of good taste in music."

   If she says "So I was thinking" ...be prepared to do some sh!t you don't want to do.

   I wish some people would leave Day Drinking to the professionals.

   A friend told me he's jokes come from a dark place. So I locked him in my basement for a week. It was mostly crying, no jokes. He lied.