Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Little known fact: Pop-up ads are the result of that time the Internet got herpes.

   Went to the store and asked for Amy Winehouse's greatest hits. But the guy behind the counter told me they don't sell heroin.

   The ads on the right-hand side of my screen are for Meth awareness, 'Get Yourtself Tested' & buy or lease a Jaguar this Christmas...So, Facebook has catagorized me as a disease-infested, drug-loving sl*t that needs a car & dosn't care for the environment.

   Status update: Still Lower middle class hoping to become Lower upper class but wishing I was Upper upper class.

   "Dude, she just called you disorganized!" "OH HELL NO, Hold my...oh sh!t were is it!?"

   If you use the word "Humorous" when you could say "Funny," you're just outing yourself as a douchebag.

   During the holiday season"s prisoners should only be aloud to watch the travel channel 24/7..

   Patience is not a virtue! Its a gift. I'm not gifted!

   1 day i'm gonna be telling my kids about payphones, no cell phones or internet & the video games aren't portable....& the kids will think it's a fairy tale

   I found the vodka… it was hiding in the orange juice!

   Women are an enigma, wrapped in a conundrum, tied to a riddle that baffles the mind of men. - William Shakespear

   my father called me an asswipe, I said the wipe didnt fall far from the ass

   going to celebrate President's day by chopping down a cherry tree to make Lincoln Logs.

   ...went fishing today caught a giant Bass...I got tackled by security, the police was called and I got escorted off the premises..that's the last time I go fishing at Bass Pro Shop!

   Danica Patrick is on the pole, is the best thing I've heard about NASCAR Nationwide Series Ever!

   I love a woman in heels. But please don't wear a bunch of Bangles too. You just sound like an angry Samurai chasing me on a horse.

   js pissed that the other site steals our status's cuz now our secret spot is violated and 'everyone' on FB might be as funny as me

   This delicious brownie just accepted my friend request!

   what do you call wrinkles on Grandma?? .... Grandpa! :-)

   The key to staying relevant? Don't die.