Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it looks like the word "horseplay" has taken on a whole new meaning and has been essentialy ruined for life...thanks Sandscumsky

   Real Playas put Mistletoe on their belt.

   I study. I take the test. I pass it. I forget what I learned...

   Why doesn't Lindsay Lohan just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap? I mean nobody has seen her since.

   Does anyone even know the ending to the move "Monster's Ball"?

   I am thankful for Facebook for it has made my life as a stalker a whole lot easier. Gone are the days of standing in the dark, in the rain behind some bushes and providing free meal for mosquitoes no to mention restrain orders.

   U know that Happiness is a cop car turning his lights on behind you and immediately going past you.

   Little known fact: Pop-up ads are the result of that time the Internet got herpes.

   Went to the store and asked for Amy Winehouse's greatest hits. But the guy behind the counter told me they don't sell heroin.

   The ads on the right-hand side of my screen are for Meth awareness, 'Get Yourtself Tested' & buy or lease a Jaguar this Christmas...So, Facebook has catagorized me as a disease-infested, drug-loving sl*t that needs a car & dosn't care for the environment.

   Status update: Still Lower middle class hoping to become Lower upper class but wishing I was Upper upper class.

   "Dude, she just called you disorganized!" "OH HELL NO, Hold my...oh sh!t were is it!?"

   If you use the word "Humorous" when you could say "Funny," you're just outing yourself as a douchebag.

   During the holiday season"s prisoners should only be aloud to watch the travel channel 24/7..

   Patience is not a virtue! Its a gift. I'm not gifted!

   1 day i'm gonna be telling my kids about payphones, no cell phones or internet & the video games aren't portable....& the kids will think it's a fairy tale

   I found the vodka… it was hiding in the orange juice!

   Women are an enigma, wrapped in a conundrum, tied to a riddle that baffles the mind of men. - William Shakespear

   my father called me an asswipe, I said the wipe didnt fall far from the ass

   going to celebrate President's day by chopping down a cherry tree to make Lincoln Logs.