Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So they pay $1 million for commercials of starving kids but they can't feed them?

   They took cigarette ads of TV because it was bad for our nation's health. Sooo....why can't they do the same for political ads?

   My favorite yoga pose is the one where I stand upright, watching the class through the window while eating a cheeseburger.

   It would be awesome to go back to kindergarten as a 5 year old with all the knowledge you currently have and completely dominate.

   I think it's only fair to throw Monopoly money at strippers with fake boobs.

   I'm beginning to think the wireless mouse was invented just so there was one less thing to hang yourself with at work.

   MTV has named Miley Cyrus the best artist of 2013. Kinda fitting I guess, since MTV has no idea what music is anymore...

   When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I'm a blackjack dealer...

   I just wish my mouth had a backspace key

   Anyone who says having a child is the best moment of their life has obviously never had two kit-kats fall out of a vending machine at once

   If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine's Day I would put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink.

   I danced like no one was watching. Court date is pending...

   There's a fine line between tan, & looking like you rolled in doritos.

   Oh the weather outside can bite me. My car won't start to spite me. I can't feel my freakin' nose. Winter Blows Winter Blows Winter Blows

   If my erection lasts longer than four hours, SHE's the one who's going to need to see a doctor

   Ziplock: making a fortune off potheads since 1980

   What's the difference between a Ferrari and an erection?... I don't have a Ferrari right now.

   If you listen very carefully, you can hear Monday sharpening its claws.

   Canada gave the world Justin Beiber. As a canadian, I just wanna say sorry everybody. Our bad. No need to retaliate with nukes or anything.

   It's all fun and games until you notice the *rocket* in your son's Lego launchpad came from the drawer in your nightstand.