Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never play Uno with Mexicans they will steal all the green cards.

   Hillary told Donald Trump to delete his Twitter account. Funny, she wants him to treat it like her govt emails

   When Mike Tyson says “Bithneth”…… You know he really means business.

   Rihanna and Miley Cyrus could learn a great deal from other female musicians who don’t need to be naked to sell their music like Drake.

   If you shake it more than twice you're advertising.

   If you are someone who insists on talking on the phone rather than texting, I’m sorry but, we can’t be friends

   You had me at 0 mutual friends..

   Looking at how successful all the Kardashian women are, I don't blame Bruce Jenner at all...

   Birthdays are like boogers, the more you have the harder it is to breathe.

   So, who won the drawing contest anyway?? :P

   My boss is always saying, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" Tomorrow, I am going to work Naked

   Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

   I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet

   Dear scientists, Which is worse for our lungs, smoking or walking into an Abercrombie store? Sincerely, worried..

   Doing my own stunts on Facebook since 2009.

   Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

   "When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down "happy". They told me I didn't understand the assignment. I told them they didn�

   Note to Taco Bell: If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck,Glue some hooves on it and call it beef....

   Sadly, "kangaroo on a trampoline" returned zero Youtube results.

   ran home behind the bus today and saved $3.50. Tomorrow I'm going to run behind a cab and save $20