Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Looking at how successful all the Kardashian women are, I don't blame Bruce Jenner at all...

   Birthdays are like boogers, the more you have the harder it is to breathe.

   So, who won the drawing contest anyway?? :P

   My boss is always saying, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" Tomorrow, I am going to work Naked

   Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

   I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet

   Dear scientists, Which is worse for our lungs, smoking or walking into an Abercrombie store? Sincerely, worried..

   Doing my own stunts on Facebook since 2009.

   Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

   "When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down "happy". They told me I didn't understand the assignment. I told them they didnâ€

   Note to Taco Bell: If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck,Glue some hooves on it and call it beef....

   Sadly, "kangaroo on a trampoline" returned zero Youtube results.

   ran home behind the bus today and saved $3.50. Tomorrow I'm going to run behind a cab and save $20

   It' s impossible to sneak Oreos out of this loud & sticky package they're in. Damn you Nabisco!!

   If you stalk a regular 16 year-old girl and take photos of her, you'll be arrested. But if she's famous, you'll be hired as a Paparazzi.

   "Lets watch a scary movie!" *several hours later* "Dude, walk with me to the bathroom"

   Don't you hate it when people talk sh!t on Facebook? Internet Gangsters

   Dude why are you making that face? You look like you're gambling on a fart.

   problems are like a tree, if you cut off the leaves they will grow back but if you cut it out at the roots they will be gone for good

   LIFE is the art of drawing...WITHOUT an eraser