Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Am I the only one that uses the bristles on an esclalator to brush your shoes?

   after being put up for adoption at birth, I am looking forward to finally meeting my half sisters Patricia, and Oprah.

   Fat people are hard to kidnap!..

   What do BP executives and my wife have in common? Neither has done any real pipe work in 54 days.

   ‎"Okay! Well who's ready to help me set this entire house on fire?" - Me, if I hosted "Hoarders," five seconds into every episode.

   Stop takin pics with yo Income TAX/Grant Money from school. You Broke

   Egyptians Gone Wild

   The bad news is radiation is now pouring from two plants in japan, the good news is Godzilla could be a real possibility in a few years.

   thinks facebook should be responsible for funding all these foreign wars it keeps getting us into.....Pay up, Zuckerburg!!!

   I walked by a tanning salon yesterday and at the door was a black dude handing out flyers and he wore a big card that read *I GOT MY TANNING HERE!!!*

   Fellas: treat her special EVERYDAY, not just on a HOLIDAY or her BIRTHDAY..

   ttention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.

   Now that we've seen Nancy Grace's nipple on Dancing with the Stars, the FCC should pay Janet Jackson back every dime

   Every time I see someone type "prom", I initially read it as "porn". Thanks internet!

   I'm more confused than an infant in a titty bar.

   Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I'd like to read a pill bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness."

   Mary had a little lamb. Then Mary saw a lamb chop recipe on Pinterest. Now Mary has a full stomach.

   I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbour mowing the lawn. I figured he just have to mow aound me, I'm not moving.

   Her: "Do I look, like, fat?" Brain: no, no, no, no Brain: Of course not. Brain: Say SOMETHING. Mouth: "Like a fat what?" Brain: Oh dear God

   I'm taking my two beautiful children home from Disney World...... I'm leaving the two ugly ones there.