Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I told my mate that I met Robert De Niro once. He said, "Really, what was your impression of him?" I replied, "You talkin' to me...?"

   Whatsapp and BBM have been ranked 2nd and 3rd as the best for gossip.Women continue to rule at No. 1.

   Ladies; don’t get mad when guys stare at your boobs because there is going to be a time in the future when no guy will want to look at your boobs after time has had its way with them and they now look like raisins.

   There is nothing wrong with making the same mistake twice as long as you admit it, apologize and accept that you're stupid.

   I hate when I forget that I don't like you.

   Today I wish a Happy Easter to my Greek Orthodox and Russian friends. Your ancestors really sucked at reading the calendar.

   I almost missed work this morning because "somebody" changed the order of my "day of the week" undies.

   I am the kind of guy who brings a gun to a knife fight.

   Nothing like seeing 30+ year old wearing a cap backwards to remind you that your life doesn’t suck that much.

   A good way to build strength is to practice with heavy gauge air strings on your air guitar.

   Portland's waste water treatment facility has the best motto..... "Our duty is clear"

   I'd don't cheat...I merely adjust the rules to my advantage as the game is being played.

   At a Drive-Thru I think they should ask you to let them know when your ready as opposed to what you want to order. Cuz we are never ready as soon as we drive up.

   Worrying is like a rocking chair. It keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere.

   I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

   Switched my GPS to the male voice. Got tired of it announcing turns after we'd passed them and telling me to stop and ask for direction

   Takes 6 days to come and then stays for just 1 day - Damn Saturday!

   Traffic lights are society's way of mocking the colorblind.

   Wish you were here w/me n my room, on my bed, lights off, under my sheets. So that I can show you my new watch dat glows n da dark!

   reminds you that when someone says "Facebook is a waste of time", what they are really saying is, "I'm too lazy to try something new".