Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This one isnt that funny, keep scrolling.

   Why do I need scissors to open a pack of scissors? The whole point of buying scissors is that I don't f*cking have any!

   I've been spending so much time on Facebook, that I forgot the internet has porn.

   May you have a prosperous New Year. I may need to borrow money.

   Going to hang out at Wal-Mart for a bit so I can feel better about myself.

   Husband & wife were watching TV about psychology & mixed emotions, he turned to his wife & said, That's a bunch of crap! I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy & sad at the same time. She said, you have the biggest penis of all ur friend

   My friend asked me today what the name of the show is where they go fishing and catch all the crabs..I said "Jersey Shore"...Was I wrong?

   "Mommy! There's a monster under my bed!" "That's silly. There's no mOH GOD! IT'S TEARING MY ARM! Kidding. He only eats kids. Goodnight."

   Its that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.

   I already want to take a nap tomorrow

   I am still sitting here completely in Awe of how Samuel L Jackson is going to be portraying Martin Luther King, Jr. I can picture it now, "I had a dream mother f*cker!"

   Fun Fact: There's more time spent installing Adobe updates than the actual use of Adobe.

   I want that job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.

   Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to these people? Why don't they put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while delivering the mail?"

   When I see an argument on Facebook, I sit there refreshing the page while thinking to myself, "This is gonna be good!"

   heard that people who talk to themselves tend to be extremely smart. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.

   Seems like most rioting in the world happens in the countries with the least bacon.

   All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.

   The Wizard of Oz is 70 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no balls, she wouldn't be in Oz. She would be in congress

   I hate when I'm spying on someone while they're showering and they let out a huge fart. What a sicko.