Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can’t date a woman who talks in her sleep. That’s all the standards I have. You can have one boob or hairy nipples and I will still get with you. Just shut up when you sleep.

   You can tell a lot about a person by putting a hidden camera in their bedroom.

   I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn't look that much different from my actual head.

   If you cut your child's sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...

   "Don't worry, I will solve everything" - alcohol

   If weed is ever legalized, I cant wait to see the commercials.

   The best friendships are built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, and inappropriateness.

   Hey boys and girls, If Bernie Sanders is a "Conscientious Objector" to all wars ...... How Could He , In a SANE WORLD, Possibly Become the COMMANDER IN CHIEF of the military?

   Donald Trump is the match and the GOP is the oil, let's burn this party down!!!

   Remember,,, If a three year old is quiet, they are usually trying to burn your house down and find batteries to eat

   Divorce changes you... For instance, it makes you single......... * Inspirational post

   Yes Timmy,, The universe contains protons, neutrons, electrons............ but mostly morons, the universe is FULL of morons..

   Me: This chicken is undercooked. Wife: You don't appreciate my cooking. Me: I think the vet could save it if it we took it right now.

   26 years later,, and we still haven't touched this

   Family with benefits. - Rednecks.

   Let's have a ''Bring Your Gun'' on Black Friday and see the diffrence it makes.

   Exercise your suck muscle ladies, it's Friday Night!

   What's 69+69? Dinner for four.

   "Doh!, the stuff that buys me beer, Ray, the guy who sells me beer, Me, the one who drinks the beer.Far, a long run to get beer, So, I'll have another beer, La, I'll have another beer, Tea, no thanks I'm drinking beer and that's why I'm not here! "

   if my right leg was christmas and my left leg was easter, I would love for you to visit in between the holidays