Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   2020 democratic presidential candidate slogan - " Who want free phones?"

   Her: Who's your favorite Kardashian? Me: Gul Dukat.

   Happy birthday to Justin Bieber. Yesterday he turned 21, which means he can be tried as an adult.

   My foot went to sleep in my team meeting yesterday, which wasn't a big deal until it started snoring.

   Does Bruce Jenner get a Mother's Day present this year?

   I love everybody. Even you, insecure person reading this hoping someone loves you … even you.

   Thanks arms for being by my side. Thanks legs for all the support. Thanks middle fingers for sticking up for me!

   I can’t date a woman who talks in her sleep. That’s all the standards I have. You can have one boob or hairy nipples and I will still get with you. Just shut up when you sleep.

   You can tell a lot about a person by putting a hidden camera in their bedroom.

   I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn't look that much different from my actual head.

   If you cut your child's sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...

   "Don't worry, I will solve everything" - alcohol

   If weed is ever legalized, I cant wait to see the commercials.

   The best friendships are built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, and inappropriateness.

   Hey boys and girls, If Bernie Sanders is a "Conscientious Objector" to all wars ...... How Could He , In a SANE WORLD, Possibly Become the COMMANDER IN CHIEF of the military?

   Donald Trump is the match and the GOP is the oil, let's burn this party down!!!

   Remember,,, If a three year old is quiet, they are usually trying to burn your house down and find batteries to eat

   Divorce changes you... For instance, it makes you single......... * Inspirational post

   Yes Timmy,, The universe contains protons, neutrons, electrons............ but mostly morons, the universe is FULL of morons..

   Me: This chicken is undercooked. Wife: You don't appreciate my cooking. Me: I think the vet could save it if it we took it right now.