Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam

   BREAKING NEWS: Geologists locate mountain high enough... Valley low enough still elusive...

   In Hell, someone is constantly vacuuming while you're trying to explain directions to an old man.

   Facebook = Poor mans therapist...

   I sometimes eat pizza with a fork... Please love me anyway.

   No Facebook. I don't want to poke that person back. Now, if you give me an option to slap someone, I will take you up on that

   I was outback chopping ome wood with my ''ask'' and this woman walked up and ''axed'' me a question!!!

   The people who deserve to live the best of life are the exact same ones living the worst of it.

   The lap dance is so much better when the stripper is crying

   "Some of the worst mistakes of my life have been haircuts."

   I bet koala farts smell like cough drops.

   I do great farts when I pull myself up in the bathtub.......... Do your stuff, eHarmony

   I don't know much about fashion,, So can I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

   I am Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad.

   You know there's an easy way to deal with cyber-bullies: Turn off the computer and go crush his hands with a meat mallet.

   Les Miserables is French for "It's two and a half hours"

   You can't beat a beautiful woman who sings, well, uh, unless you're Chris Brown

   My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD Bin at Walmart.

   Love is such a strong word But then again, so is C*NT

   Dallas Cowboys drafted one of the Duck Dynasty Brothers