Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Too many hollier than thou people with no sense of humour around.

   Watching Obama's press conference.... so far all I've gotten out of it is that gay soldiers are going to win the future in electric cars.

   I'm setting Casey Anthony up on a blind date with my friend Dexter Morgan, who is also from Florida.

   Why do ballet dancers dance on their toes? Why doesn't the company just hire taller dancers?

   If she's a member of Kony's army...she's too young for you bro

   I keep writing "2015" on all my checks because I hope to have money by then.

   Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won't be the worst reason we ever went to war.

   Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam

   BREAKING NEWS: Geologists locate mountain high enough... Valley low enough still elusive...

   In Hell, someone is constantly vacuuming while you're trying to explain directions to an old man.

   Facebook = Poor mans therapist...

   I sometimes eat pizza with a fork... Please love me anyway.

   No Facebook. I don't want to poke that person back. Now, if you give me an option to slap someone, I will take you up on that

   I was outback chopping ome wood with my ''ask'' and this woman walked up and ''axed'' me a question!!!

   The people who deserve to live the best of life are the exact same ones living the worst of it.

   The lap dance is so much better when the stripper is crying

   "Some of the worst mistakes of my life have been haircuts."

   I bet koala farts smell like cough drops.

   I do great farts when I pull myself up in the bathtub.......... Do your stuff, eHarmony

   I don't know much about fashion,, So can I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.