Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy ATMs day!!

   Anybody that says I'll steal your heart, mind, love etc. you definitely aren't allowed in my house. And you will be frisked for knives.

   A smart man will buy his wife the finest china, so she won't trust him to touch it.

   After witnessing a strip search at the police station I now understand why it's called a crack rock.

   I'm going to open a bar where ordering an "adios motherf#cker" triggers a trap door filled with alligators

   I can thwart just about ANY knock knock joke by answering, "Just a minute!",,,,, or " Come in,, it's open! "

   What doesn't kill you makes you realize I hired a sh!tty hit man.

   Instead of telling people I dont care about things, I find its easier to get my point across if I just put my hands in the air and wave them

   "Because snakes and sparklers are the only ones I like..."

   No regrets when speaking what's on your mind !

   am I the only one as a child thought that we have flying cars and a kick ass janitor named Henry like the Jetsons once year 2000 hit???

   I would be so much cooler if…ah, who am I kidding?

   Never trust a pretty face on a dating site

   The new Season of 'Walking Dead' premiers tonight. I will be watching it instead of the Grammy's. Not as many zombies....

   3-way stops make me think that one of the stops doesn't really want to do it, but wants to make the others happy.

   Shakira attacked by a Sea Lion.. early reports show that it could attack again whenever, wherever

   I like to people watch. Mainly when they're in the shower

   sometimes when I read certain things it's like having my eyes raped by stupidity.

   presidents day = SALES..thanks for running our country, Ima celebrate with new socks and a plunger

   I gave my kid a happy meal, but it's not working,