Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sadly, I don't think everyone ever wang-chunged on any night.

   spring is just around the corner, the bums are migrating back up north.

   I sleep naked, I don't care what the stewardess say's.

   When 2 people are meant for each other- they stupidly get married!!!!!!!!!!!!

   The only reason I never click on the shemale category is I really don't want to run the risk of discovering it turns me on.

   ChrEasters people who only go to church on Christmas & Easter

   Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food.

   My doctor told me that I'm healthy enough for sex but he thinks it would ruin our relationship,, and since things are already kinda strained ......... No..

   Great news, everybody -- my pants aren't tight anymore! (I finished eating all the breadsticks I smuggled out of the Olive Garden.)

   The animal responsible for the most human deaths worldwide is the mosquito.

   "You're looking festive today" is not a compliment.

   Why is it that on Sunday when I say ”I can't, I have to be good at work tomorrow” I do anyway and I'm never good at work tomorrow?

   Tiger Woods has gotten so bad that bl@ck people are starting to acknowledge his other nationalities.

   part of a rally rallying for more jobs...I don't get why the police singled me out just because I had the word "blow" before "job" on my placard!

   Can't believe that Facebook won't let me set my relationship status to “in a relationship with myself”.

   Think inside the box. The best ideas happen during sex.

   Your pinky is the your smallest finger but the secrets it holds are huge.

   Just because i'm losing.. doesn't mean i'm lost.

   Dance like you're naked. And thin. And pretty.

   You cry, I cry. You smile, I smile. You laugh, I laugh. You bleed for a week, I visit my mom for a week.