Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm at the bank depositing my nickel and dime bags... I told them I'll be back later with my papers... to open a joint account. :)

   I'm almost finished producing my "Tickle Me Emo" doll. When you tickle it... it says "My life sucks," "I need more black hair dye" and..... these pants aren't tight enough. I just need to stop it from cutting the box it comes in, before it's sold.

   Someone who dines in a diner is a diner........... I N C E P T I O N

   When I was a kid, I thought “running for office” meant that you'd have several people lined up for a race and the first one who reached the office won. Might have been better that way, no?

   Gee, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?

   Aaron Hernandez will go to prison as tight-end and come out as a wide-receiver.

   My therapist says I'm obsessed with vengence.. Oh yeah? we'll just see about that

   If stupidity was physically painful, some people would be in the I.C.U. right now.

   Coca-Cola contained Coca (cocaine) from 1885 to 1903, today the company uses a 'secret' ingredient to keep it product addictive.

   I believe in love at first sight because… I’ve loved my mum since I opened my eyes!

   Like everbody,, I have an angel on one shoulder, and a devil on the other... Also, I'm also deaf in one ear... (sigh)

   Peter Parker was lucky that radioactive spider bit his hand and not his a$$ or he'd have shot out a web every time he farted.

   Drunks, kids and skinny jeans are the only ones that tell the truth.

   I would lose weight, but I hate losing

   If an old person talks about their siblings, ask if they're the oldest. No matter what they say, respond "No, I meant oldest in the world?"

   being single does not always mean you're available

   War with North Korea looming. Cast of M*A*S*H have their fingers crossed

   Girls that call guys "dude" are usually lesbians.

   wondering why everyone is so excited about landing a rover on Mars. Did everyone forget that we've been landing junk there (including 2 other rovers) since 1976.

   I'm worried about my friend, he can't stop buying cars... I think he has car owner virus.