Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Coca-Cola contained Coca (cocaine) from 1885 to 1903, today the company uses a 'secret' ingredient to keep it product addictive.

   I believe in love at first sight because… I’ve loved my mum since I opened my eyes!

   Like everbody,, I have an angel on one shoulder, and a devil on the other... Also, I'm also deaf in one ear... (sigh)

   Peter Parker was lucky that radioactive spider bit his hand and not his a$$ or he'd have shot out a web every time he farted.

   Drunks, kids and skinny jeans are the only ones that tell the truth.

   I would lose weight, but I hate losing

   If an old person talks about their siblings, ask if they're the oldest. No matter what they say, respond "No, I meant oldest in the world?"

   being single does not always mean you're available

   War with North Korea looming. Cast of M*A*S*H have their fingers crossed

   Girls that call guys "dude" are usually lesbians.

   wondering why everyone is so excited about landing a rover on Mars. Did everyone forget that we've been landing junk there (including 2 other rovers) since 1976.

   I'm worried about my friend, he can't stop buying cars... I think he has car owner virus.

   The definition of a Canadian - An unarmed American with Health Insurance!

   Trump is already claiming that voter fraud is to blame for losing health care vote.

   I went door-to-door today telling my neighbors I’m a registered sex offender so they’ll keep their darn kids out of my yard.

   Black Lies Scatter!

   If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I would for sure pick living.

   NASA: don't look up at the eclipse without the required glasses Trump: what does NASA know? I have amazing eyes. Best eyes you've ever seen

   Kinda odd that Bill Clinton screwed everything but wont do Hillary.

   Sister ask her brother: Am I pretty or ugly? Brother: Your both. Sister: What do you mean? Brother: Your pretty ugly.