Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Was going to create a group on my FB, but somehow I don't think "Women I want to have sex with" would go over well.

   The Red Cross camr to my buddies door and asked if he wanted to contribute to the flood in Packastan .. He replied "sure but my garden hose only reaches to the driveway"

   the moment of horror when you are in a public restroom, your pee goes in 3 differant directions and you piss on your pant leg.

   Charlie Sheen says he's not crazy anymore. The voices in his head told him so.

   You're not an alcoholic; you're a soberphobic.

   Guys, don't put a smiley face in your texts to other guys. It's like wiping standing up. You learned it wrong.

   Does anybody know where I could find out how much a footlong costs at Subway?

   Who remembers the pager days!? 4283#2#4663#329

   Somebody on my friends list has really REALLY smelly breath... Should I tell Tracy?!

   I have a date tonight...with my bed. We're totally gonna sleep together.

   Look, grocery store, if you're going to play Asia's "Heat of the Moment," there *will* be spontaneous produce aisle dancing.

   I was enjoying a good sleep today when I was rudely woken by a bloody salesman."Sir..." "Look," I said, "I'm not interested, I'm actually trying to sleep." "Sir, are you going to buy the bed or not?"

   I'm at the bank depositing my nickel and dime bags... I told them I'll be back later with my papers... to open a joint account. :)

   I'm almost finished producing my "Tickle Me Emo" doll. When you tickle it... it says "My life sucks," "I need more black hair dye" and..... these pants aren't tight enough. I just need to stop it from cutting the box it comes in, before it's sold.

   Someone who dines in a diner is a diner........... I N C E P T I O N

   When I was a kid, I thought “running for office” meant that you'd have several people lined up for a race and the first one who reached the office won. Might have been better that way, no?

   Gee, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?

   Aaron Hernandez will go to prison as tight-end and come out as a wide-receiver.

   My therapist says I'm obsessed with vengence.. Oh yeah? we'll just see about that

   If stupidity was physically painful, some people would be in the I.C.U. right now.