Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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"When the hell did I say all that?" -Simon 
I'll be another year older soon and I've always been told that you're only as old as you feel. Would you like to feel me and tell me how old I am?
I would like my Tombstone to read, "He was too Cheap to buy extra lett
The feelings I used to get when I was in relationships at age 13 were the best, now they're just dreadful
I let my family know I'm going to Vegas soon, they reply "can we come" I say "do you bring a hooker to Disneyland?" then why would I bring family to Vegas..!
Strip Clubs dont make any sense to me. Its like somebody putting a hot turkey in front of you and all you can do is yell at it
The man who really loves his girl, is the man who knows that he can make her cry... but will never try.
The Cain Train got derailed because the conductor couldn't stop chasing caboose.
Was going to create a group on my FB, but somehow I don't think "Women I want to have sex with" would go over well.
The Red Cross camr to my buddies door and asked if he wanted to contribute to the flood in Packastan .. He replied "sure but my garden hose only reaches to the driveway"
the moment of horror when you are in a public restroom, your pee goes in 3 differant directions and you piss on your pant leg.
Charlie Sheen says he's not crazy anymore. The voices in his head told him so.
You're not an alcoholic; you're a soberphobic.
Guys, don't put a smiley face in your texts to other guys. It's like wiping standing up. You learned it wrong.
Does anybody know where I could find out how much a footlong costs at Subway?
Who remembers the pager days!? 4283#2#4663#329
Somebody on my friends list has really REALLY smelly breath... Should I tell Tracy?!
I have a date tonight...with my bed. We're totally gonna sleep together.
Look, grocery store, if you're going to play Asia's "Heat of the Moment," there *will* be spontaneous produce aisle dancing.
I was enjoying a good sleep today when I was rudely woken by a bloody salesman."Sir..." "Look," I said, "I'm not interested, I'm actually trying to sleep." "Sir, are you going to buy the bed or not?" 