Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Because of the constant rubbing of tectonic plates, the earth has volcanic ejaculations.

   Facebook...this generations Rubiks Cube.

   Ugly people should really stop trying to take seductive pictures of themselves, it's camera fudgin suicide.

   My ex-wife told me the real reason she was leaving me is because I was obsessed that band The Monkees. At first I didn't believe her, but then I saw her face.......

   I win a lot of arm wrestling matches because of my technique of looking my competitor in the eye while playing footsie under the table.

   I almost caused an accident trying to open a piece of candy. Can you imagine dying over a Lemon Starburst? #ultimatefail

   "Okay, then why'd I just do that?" - Me, after punching someone who just said "Everything happens for a reason."

   i got stoned yesterday, tough crowds in Iran

   FACT: For every Friend Request sent, $0.003 is added to Mark Zuckerberg's account.

   Dear Catholic Church, the rhythm method is fine,,, but what about something for us white guys?

   My computer just told me that "hgsfdahgdf.jpg" already exists... WHAT THE F*CK... I'm buying a lottery ticket.

   "When the hell did I say all that?" -Simon

   I'll be another year older soon and I've always been told that you're only as old as you feel. Would you like to feel me and tell me how old I am?

   I would like my Tombstone to read, "He was too Cheap to buy extra lett

   The feelings I used to get when I was in relationships at age 13 were the best, now they're just dreadful

   I let my family know I'm going to Vegas soon, they reply "can we come" I say "do you bring a hooker to Disneyland?" then why would I bring family to Vegas..!

   Strip Clubs dont make any sense to me. Its like somebody putting a hot turkey in front of you and all you can do is yell at it

   The man who really loves his girl, is the man who knows that he can make her cry... but will never try.

   The Cain Train got derailed because the conductor couldn't stop chasing caboose.

   Was going to create a group on my FB, but somehow I don't think "Women I want to have sex with" would go over well.