Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ‎"Hi, Welcome to Abercrombie. Our sizes are; Small, X Small, Anorexic, Bulemic, and Malnourished...."

   Aww c'mon...everybody knows ho is short for honey.

   has a time machine. I get in and it takes me seven hours into the future. I call it......a bed. Goodnight.

   Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi

   could tell his parents hated him... his bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

   Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend.

   just checked in @ none of your god damn business

   doesn't want none unless you got buns hun

   We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.

   Pshh.. Nowadays I dont even trust people that dont have a FB

   Celine Dion announced she's pregnant with twin boys. So this time next year she'll have 2 boys running around in diapers.....well 3 if you count her husband

   I hate when my foot falls asleep... it usually means it's going to be up all night!

   outside the bathroom you're an American. Inside the bathroom...European.

   I'd let you talk more, but you're not as interesting as I am.

   You can't spell Trump without P.

   Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle

   They should make daytime TV illegal. That way the lazy lib club will have nothing to do and may decide to actually get a job.

   How is everyone enjoying their free 30 day trial of communism ?

   Nothing makes you feel more alive then standing on a grave.

   When I visit someone's house: Them: It's so good to see you! How've you been? Come on in! Blah bleh blah... Me: What's your wifi password?