Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pshh.. Nowadays I dont even trust people that dont have a FB

   Celine Dion announced she's pregnant with twin boys. So this time next year she'll have 2 boys running around in diapers.....well 3 if you count her husband

   I hate when my foot falls asleep... it usually means it's going to be up all night!

   outside the bathroom you're an American. Inside the bathroom...European.

   I'd let you talk more, but you're not as interesting as I am.

   You can't spell Trump without P.

   How is everyone enjoying their free 30 day trial of communism ?

   Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle

   They should make daytime TV illegal. That way the lazy lib club will have nothing to do and may decide to actually get a job.

   Nothing makes you feel more alive then standing on a grave.

   When I visit someone's house: Them: It's so good to see you! How've you been? Come on in! Blah bleh blah... Me: What's your wifi password?

   Every cab is the cash cab if you've got a gun.

   I'm not saying she was tall, but the woman could hunt geese with a rake!

   Tip: If you are ever involved in a murder and have to hide the body, don't hide it in the last spot they'll look,,, hide it in the spot after that

   Religious people are so nice. They're always trying to make travel plans for you.

   In love, you either win someone's heart or lose your liver... !

   Dirty talk? No thanks. I'm not into weird stuff. Now hurry up and put on this Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume before I lose my erection.

   Miley was front page news longer than the last school shooting...

   Hey,, just drank so much Gatorade, I could literally kick a basketball right now, or however sports work or whatever

   I'm me. I like me. It took me a while to realize it, but I have no other choice. I'm stuck with myself.