Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Boyfriend for sale... comes with remote.

   "I like my popcorn a little burnt". No, you don't. You just suck at making popcorn

   apparently my wife didnt think "Who lit the fuse on your tampon?" was half as funny as my friends did

   Facebook suggested that I become a friend of Jesus...is that some sort of sign?

   Well-behaved people rarely make history.

   Deja moo: the feeling you've heard this bull$hit before.

   All my Wargaming Buddies need to keep this in mind: The game is just ga without me..

   Who needs soap operas, talk shows, reality tv, newspapers, and books when there is facebook

   I gotta think Peyton Manning's neck injury has something to do with that giant forehead of his.

   I'll never forget from my EX last words: "Are you sure I don't need a parachute?"

   Pshhhh I did not fall… The floor looked at me funny so I used my mad ninja skills to attack

   Does anyone have a good marinade recipe for Spotted Owl?

   I am enjoying a threesome - Me, My Couch & My TV

   Dude! He just called you a thief! Oh HELL NO, hold his wallet!

   Life is full of fake people. Before you decide to judge them, make sure you're not one of them. ♥

   Lost a lot of Xmas Manger characters, but 2 Wise Men and a He-Man will do.

   Christmas is the time for giving family. So I'm giving away my family 'cause I'm efficient like that.

   *Breathing hard* Today, I finally ran for 1 mile without stopping. STUPID ice cream man just kept driving even though I waved my money in the air...

   Go to church....the wine is free.

   Qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm backwards is mnbvcxzlkjhgfdsapoiuytrewq ,,,, Now 14% of you will proof this for accuracy,,, and then die alone.....Asses