Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're happy and you know it, slap her ass.

   O.J Simpson has vowed to never stop searching for Malaysian Flight 370.

   This one time, I had a goldfish that could totally break dance on my carpet..........but only for about 20 seconds...

   Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart.... * Sorry it's so hard to read, I should really find a pen

   911: What is your emergency?... ME: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?... 911: Is this her 1st child?.. ME: No,, This is her husband.

   Do all Kmart's have a guy that chokes you while you're pooping? Or was that just a random dude?

   My Ex once got bit by a rattle snake. After 3 days of pain and agony the snake died.

   I think each Olympic event should include a competitor randomly picked out of the spectator stands to keep things interesting.

   the wife asked what the white stuff on my peni$, told her it was asprin for her headache and asked if she wanted it orally or suppository..

   I just got diagnosed with a very rare disease. "The more I get older, the sexier and better looking I become". Don't worry, it's not contagious. There's no cure for it and it just gets worst everyday...

   Boyfriend for sale... comes with remote.

   "I like my popcorn a little burnt". No, you don't. You just suck at making popcorn

   apparently my wife didnt think "Who lit the fuse on your tampon?" was half as funny as my friends did

   Facebook suggested that I become a friend of Jesus...is that some sort of sign?

   Well-behaved people rarely make history.

   Deja moo: the feeling you've heard this bull$hit before.

   All my Wargaming Buddies need to keep this in mind: The game is just ga without me..

   Who needs soap operas, talk shows, reality tv, newspapers, and books when there is facebook

   I gotta think Peyton Manning's neck injury has something to do with that giant forehead of his.

   I'll never forget from my EX last words: "Are you sure I don't need a parachute?"