Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

   Next for BP: they're going to add balsamic vinegar to the oil; turning the Gulf into a nice vinaigrette.

   You know how when you walk up a staircase in the dark and you can't see where the last step is? I live for that feeling.

   Being a politican is like being a hooker. You can't be one unless you can pretend to like people while you're f-cking them.

   The new 'Huckleberry Finn' - where Jim is shackled, beaten & kept as human livestock, but nobody calls him any bad words.

   You give that porn actress an award?, she sucks! Nevermind....

   wonders if its politically incorrect to pour Self Raising Flour on orphan kids.....

   Little Jonny got kicked out of class today! The teacher asked him, "If I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Joanne, £5 to Jane and £5 to Katie, what would you have?" Apparently "3 BJs and enough left for a kebab" was the wrong answer!

   I want to make sweet love to your face with my fist. Don't worry, I'll use protection. Wouldn't want my hand to get hurt.

   Add My BB Pin » Y3hR1ght

   A baby first laughs at around 4 weeks of age. Of course, this is the same time its eyes begin to focus and can see you clearly.

   Going to look for the meaning of life, first place I'm gunna check is this bottle of vodka

   Sometimes it seems I spend half my life just breathing in.

   I remember my first status...

   My roomate ate some peanuts and sufferd a violent reaction...They were MY peanuts so I kicked the sh!t out of the thieving ba$tard...

   is it just me, or are 80% of the faces in the "people you may know feature" on Facebook, people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

   There are three major types of colour blindness. They are red-green, blue-yellow and tan-orange. Unfortunately, tan-orange is the most common.

   I woke up this morning to see a white powdery residue all over the ground outside. I'd better stay inside. That stuff could be Anthrax...

   it is always much easier to get a woman if you already have one

   Ah yes, the first real snow storm of the year... where 1/4 of drivers simultaneously gain an amazing ability to jam their heads up someplace uncomfortable.