Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People with multiple personalities scare me. Speak for yourself b*tch. That's right, you heard him.

   I wonder how hard J-LO has to laugh for her ass to fall off?

   Hummmmmmm Chocolate - (Homer Voice)

   I was just stuffed in to a bag by a fat creepy guy in a red suit. alright! fess up! Who put me on their Christmas list?

   I'm gonna get a tshirt made that says ' I survived the end of the world and all I got was this lousy tshirt

   Here comes all the brand new Houston Texans fans.

   I met a new client at work last week, but I made a total fool of myself when he introduced himself. Apparently 'Neil' is his name, not a command. On the bright side - I did get the contract, though.

   You need one of those jackets that make you hug yourself real tight!

   Kinda slow at work today, so I started browsing different pom sites. Cutest little doggies ya ever seen! ツ

   I think I'm falling for you. Oh, don't bother responding. I'll see myself over to the friend zone.

   First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

   stairs are always up to something...

   FACT: 69% of people find something dirty in everything they read

   Satan must be boring. There are other ways of making people suffer other than setting them on fire, making them listen to Justin Bieber is a start.

   Race wars, class wars, religious wars, tribal wars, sectarian wars, ideological wars and gender wars shall be the end of earth.

   Eeyore and Tigger need to trade meds.

   A-Rod vows to come back 10 times bigger and 10 times stronger.

   We all crave to find someone to crawl into the darkest parts of our soul And still ache to make love to our demons

   I want to be a Disney princess, but not Snow White because I don't want dwarfs touching me while I sleep.

   If I am seriosly wounded, don't call a priest, rabbi, or minister. Those 3 should be walking into a bar together, somewhere.