Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   where are all thedouche bags that said this was some anti gun control nut job now?

   I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something....... I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 5 minutes

   I drank all weekend and now I'm on my beeriod...

   Having trouble getting onto your horse? Simply ride up beside it on your giraffe and then jump down.

   Buy a ship. Name it relation. Sit in it. You are in a relationship.

   A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

   Now when she say's "deplorable" does she mean like when her husband stuck a cigar in places it didn't belong? I'm just trying to set a precedent here...

   After today's revelations about Susan Rice, I think it's become clear that the only foreigner who meddled in the election was Obama.

   I want to see Trump win just so I can hear him say "Barack Obama, you're fired!"

   We are about two elections away from deciding President by monster truck rally or burping contest.

   Hard to believe I once had a phone ATTACHED TO A WALL. It did not have Bluetooth, you could not take selfies on it or send any text messages... Even worse! When it rang I'd pick it up WITHOUT KNOWING WHO WAS CALLING. Amazing I'm still alive!

   You're over the age of 12. Maybe use the word "YOLO" a little less. Or, better yet..not at all.

   I go to a hair salon where you can get a hand job while you get your hair cut. It's your own hand though, and you have to be very discreet.

   I'm going to get drunk white girl annoying tonight.

   Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.

   I'm not entirely sure a life spent smoking e-cigarettes is worth prolonging.

   I just got my foot stuck in my wife's bra. I asked her what kind of boobie trap is this? She laughed and I laughed and she asked me never tell another joke for at least a week...

   My life coach is the cashier at the liquor store.

   Everyone knows you can just buy M&M's instead of trail mix,, right?

   The hardest part about dealing with rejection is that I end up liking them more for their ability to make great decisions.