Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can call me many things but never, ever call me a 'scofflaw'. It's a stupid word.

   "Vagisil Wash" is regular soap marketed to really really insecure women.

   Just bought a dream house. Barbie wasn't able to pay the morgage. Sucks to be her!

   I haven't seen San Francisco fight that hard for something and then lose since Prop 8.

   Just walked into the kitchen and a broom fell towards me. I yelled "ah!" and pushed it away. Bring it on ninjas!

   Dreams: are always getting to the best part, and then you wake up.

   They should send retirement statements out in different colored envelopes based on gains and losses. That way I don't have to wait to get pi$$ed off!!

   A Zimbabwean man says a prostitute he hired transformed into a donkey. Sounds like he got himself a real piece of ass.

   Its so cold outside that my neighbor gave me the mitten this morning instead of the finger

   now friends with the couch

   If dogs wrote memoirs, they'd reveal their psychological problems came from having to wear Halloween costumes as puppies.

   maybe the world not ending, is far worse than it not ending...

   My wife comes with instructions. Lots of instructions.

   If I want your opinion I'll remove the duct tape.

   Hey, law enforcement. Arrest and question every middle aged man owning a tan windbreaker. I have a hunch.

   The guy in the toilet stall at the mall sounds like he might need a spotter.!!

   Sadly, I don't think everyone ever wang-chunged on any night.

   You can pretend you're in an episode of The Walking Dead by skipping coffee for a few days.

   I bet globes hate google map's guts

   that awkword moment when someone accepts your friend request that you didnt mean to send. You only went to their page to stalk.