Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh, you love your boyfriend? Please, go ahead and saturate my Facebook news feed with your feelings.

   Whoever said Diamond are a girls best friend........Obviously never bought one a detachable showerhead.

   It's so hot outside! I've been out here 10 minutes and I'm already wetter then Kim Kardashian at the BET Awards.

   How come when people fill out applications, under "Emergency Contact," nobody ever puts "911"?

   Here is a quick math lesson for NBA players...50% of $1 billion is a lot more than 52% of nothing!

   Everybody deserves second chances, but not for the same mistakes.

   You know you need sleep when you feel drunk without having actually had any alcohol.

   Dear clever comeback, can you come BEFORE the argument is over. Thanks!

   “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.” ― Rodney Dangerfield

   People always say that alcohol kills... but if you think about it .... it causes many births too.

   Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you're hot.

   The embarrassing moment when you accept a compliment that wasn't meant for you.

   "You actually have friends?" ... "Yeah, all 10 seasons on DVD!"

   Facebook needs a “Drama of the day” section in my news feed. 

   Some day's should come with a warning label: Today's gonna suck, so bring alcohol.

   I haven't showered today and can smell yesterday on me. But I kicked ass yesterday. So I might just ride this smell out.

   Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back...

   You know you're really awesome at telling a story when strangers near you start wandering closer to listen.

   Men go through 3 stages in life: Drinking from boobs, staring at boobs, and growing boobs.

   IN OTHER NEWS: A picture of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone next to each other in the hospital bed, side by side for shoulder surgeries, was taken this week. Can you imagine listening and trying to understand that conversation?