Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My favorite part of the bible is when god gives people free will and then kills everyone with a flood for not acting the way he wanted .

   Men: If you want sex during "that time of the month," you will have to pull a few strings.

   God then gave lean beef so that Man might eat healthy and still satisfy his appetite. But Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger, then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes!" And Satan smiled.

   Oops, sorry I bumped my clit against your nose

   Roman Numerals? What are they good IV? Absolutely nothing..

   Mitt Romeny's sitting in the dark somewhere drinking decaf and rubbing sweet and low on Sarah Palin's gums.

   Dear Mr. Vending Machine genius-Please do not place all the fragile delicate goodies (such as poptarts, cookies, chips) on the top two rows. Everytime a delicious munchy falls and prematurely break and angel loses its wings :'(

   The only thing stronger than a mother's love is a garlic breath!

   This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from vegetarian club.I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.

   stuck in traffic. Send bacon.

   What's the difference between a bottle and puberty?? .........A bottle has already hit Justin Bieber!!

   I used to have a voice just like Justin Beiber, then I turned four.

   I always feel like I make a connection with a waitress whenever they take my order

   "I wasn't drunk!!" "Dude, you were in my pool trying to find Nemo" ·

   If the Dove is the bird of love, then the bird of birth control is the Swallow.

   The Texas Rangers are half way to becoming the Buffalo Bills of the MLB

   Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years

   Let them enter the country legally and they can enjoy all the freedom they want.

   Shout Out to the Kids in the Projects that left some Milk & Cookies out for Santa but the Roaches got to it first.

   Y'all want the slaves back??