Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've just brushed my teeth and found some bacon. My luck is changing for the better

   Just once, I'd like to look at the ingredients of a bottled water and see the words "Sea Monkeys".

   Returned every single Christmas gift today. Even handmade ones from my kids

   I've never eaten Wookie, but I bet its Chewy

   I was in the backyard with my wife.A bird dropped its poo on her shoulder. She yelled: Disgusting. .. get me paper towel or toilet paper. I looked up in the sky and said: it is probably a mile away. Plus, birds do not wipe their aasss.

   dog pokes me with nose* *stop, it's late* (Dog looks at me with sad eyes) *ugh, ok* [sets up poker table for him and his friends]

   Pro tip: If you really want to freak people out wear a Santa Claus suit as your Halloween

   Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump's security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

   Mama Cass Elliot would have turned 77 today. In fact, if she had shared that sandwich with Karen Carpenter they both might still be alive.

   It looks like you're trying to defend someone's policies, would you like to turn on Caps Lock and disable spell check?

   Did you hear why Rosie O'Donnell got arrested? Airport security lifted up her dress and found 200 pounds of crack.

   Was in the K-Mart earlier and noticed they have Barack Obama Christmas Ornaments. Seems it's fashionable again to hang black people from a tree.

   Michael Brown lived a thug life and died a thug death. Let it go.

   My favorite part of the bible is when god gives people free will and then kills everyone with a flood for not acting the way he wanted .

   Men: If you want sex during "that time of the month," you will have to pull a few strings.

   God then gave lean beef so that Man might eat healthy and still satisfy his appetite. But Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger, then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes!" And Satan smiled.

   Oops, sorry I bumped my clit against your nose

   Roman Numerals? What are they good IV? Absolutely nothing..

   Mitt Romeny's sitting in the dark somewhere drinking decaf and rubbing sweet and low on Sarah Palin's gums.

   Dear Mr. Vending Machine genius-Please do not place all the fragile delicate goodies (such as poptarts, cookies, chips) on the top two rows. Everytime a delicious munchy falls and prematurely break and angel loses its wings :'(