Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like to hover my mouse pointer over the "Remove Friend" link - it's like having my very own Tantalus Field.

   My Foot + your teeth + Contact at a high velocity = Awesome

   "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we" George Dubya Bush

   loves knowing she isnt the only one facebooking it up all alone when the rest of the world is cuddling it up.

   thinks that We have strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful.

   When I was beamed up into the Alien craft, the Military and the Aliens warned me that if I had said anything about this, people would think I was crazy. Little do they know that I have earned that reputation all on my own...

   When I was a child I used to say, "When I grow up I want to be a millionaire" Well I grew up and the rest is history, now all I say is, "When I die, I want to go to heaven" Hope that actually happens.

   I think my Nintendo Wii character is depressed from my lack of playing. When I logged on he had a full beard and had a Nickelback shirt on.

   Ron Jeremy has got to be disappointed in the nurses he’s seeing.

   True love is giving your significant other a sip from your beer glass... a real f*cking small sip though... !

   Its so awkward meeting new people. Especially when they go in for a handshake and you go in for an open-mouth kiss. Anyway, his name was Jeff... and he's a Seahawks fan

   Angie's List?? Yeah, like I'd trust the opinions of a bunch of random idiots...

   Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

   with the upcoming end of the world quickly approaching, in lieu of Christmas cards this year, I have sent out checks out to all my friends in the amount of $1,000,000 post dated 12/22/2012. Good luck finding a bank that isn't under water everyone!

   Gay firemen were the first pole dancers. And they were fabulous.

   What idiot takes a cab from Philly all the way to Bel-Air? And then he has the nerve to complain about the smell afterward.

   I ran 3 miles after work today and stopped by Arby's and got me LARGE chedder cheese and roast beef samich and some fries . Take that Michelle .

   You know what I'd really like from a woman? Consent.

   I am not an alcoholic... I have an alcohol fetish.

   Old girlfriend sent me a text saying "I miss you" so I replied "We're sorry, but the subscriber you are trying to reach does not care"