Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just got back from the gym. Well chuffed as they've got a new machine in. I only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot....

   I made a donation to some guy who solicited me from the Occupy Movement. I mailed it to "Occupant".

   ''Plus size'' Woman = Beautiful...."Plus size'' Man= Fat ass

   It was so hot today working outside I saw squirrels fanning their nuts.

   I've never actually seen two women "scissoring" but I'd bet you a million dollars that it sounds like an armpit farting contest. :(

   It's pretty funny to strap a Christmas tree to the roof of your car, light it on fire, and drive around like nothing's wrong.

   I love how people fight via facebook when their in relationships... Why even bother changing the relationship status to single.. When you know you ass is guna change it back in 15mins! Do us all a favor an STFU!

   I have to admit...as a woman I am jealous of men who can get morning wood. I could use a piece this morning.....to beat my alarm clock with!!!

   I may have just inadvertently accomplished something.

   May those who love us love us, and those who do not love us, may God turn their hearts. And if he cannot turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles so that we may know them by their limping.

   yesterdays is history, tomorrow is a mystery. Today is your gift, live it fully....

   do you realize that a fine is a tax for doing wrong and a tax is a fine for doing well?

   remembers believing that by pressing the Diet "Button" on McDonalds Coke lids would suddenly make the Coke turn into a Diet Coke O_0

   looʇs ɹɐq ʎɯ uo ʞɔɐq ǝɯ ʇnd ǝsɐǝld

   please remember to drive safely, responsibly n a bit slower than how fast your guardian angel can fly

   Earth Day - Keeping Earth cleaning than Uranus...

   Lady in the grocery store, your kid is about 4 years old, don't you think he needs to walk and not have his feet dragging in the stroller?

   Dude you should've seen this bathroom stall, it was like I had to clean up Heroshima before I could drop my Nagasaki.

   You know who's going to take the title between the Celtics & Lakers......Football season that's who.

   I bet you I could stop gambling