Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Face it. Tomboys are the sexiest damn girls you'll EVER see.

   My fondest childhood memories are having to stay at the kennel while my parents went off to all those Amway conventions

   People say that my analogies are as bad as a candle on a forklift.

   20 years later, members of Bell Biv Devoe are still adamant about not trusting a big butt and a smile.

   "girls will be boys" - Thai tourism board

   BREAKING NEWS - Bomb disposal experts in Brazil had to evacuate a sold out Lady Gaga concert due to a suspicious package on stage.....

   I bet if Tom Brady wore his UGGS Boots last night he probably would have played a lot better!

   Ladies paying thousands for chemical peels...I will splash battery acid on your face for only $500. Look for me on craigslist. Dr. Duracell

   Due to the nice weather, local kids are setting up a lemonade stand on St. Paddy's Day....Jeez, haven't they even heard of green beer?!

   One day, your life will flash b4 your eyes. Make sure its worth watching.

   If couples who are in love are called "love birds", then couples who always argue should be called "angry birds"

   i could of been ur dad but ur mom didnt have change for a dollar

   I hate daylight savings. Twice a year I have to set my alarm and get up at two in the morning to set my clock.....Damn.

   Just got back from the gym. Well chuffed as they've got a new machine in. I only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot....

   I made a donation to some guy who solicited me from the Occupy Movement. I mailed it to "Occupant".

   ''Plus size'' Woman = Beautiful...."Plus size'' Man= Fat ass

   It was so hot today working outside I saw squirrels fanning their nuts.

   I've never actually seen two women "scissoring" but I'd bet you a million dollars that it sounds like an armpit farting contest. :(

   It's pretty funny to strap a Christmas tree to the roof of your car, light it on fire, and drive around like nothing's wrong.

   I love how people fight via facebook when their in relationships... Why even bother changing the relationship status to single.. When you know you ass is guna change it back in 15mins! Do us all a favor an STFU!