Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
My wife is mad at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I *am* getting pretty tired of carrying it around all the time. 
I am so dumb, I put lipstick on my forehead to make up my mind.
If I had a horse in the Kentucky Derby, his name would be... How-Much-Wood-Could-A-Woodchuck-Chuck-If-A-Woodchuck-Could-Chuck-Wood .
Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he neverlands.
My wife jabbers so much that when we go to the beach, she has to put suntan lotion on her tongue.
Confuius said "Never check the depth of water with both feet."
Trick your friends into thinking you are a professional tennis player By wiping your face with a towel every 30 seconds And throwing it at a child.
Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their doors..
Anyone want some staples? Hold your hands out!..[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[ [[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[....enough?
Straight guy definitely understand consent when a gay guy tries to touch him.
My wife texted me a selfie and asked if her dress made her look fat, I sai Noo it was autocorrected to Moo... I need help!
I went to Disneyland once. It seemed like kind of a Mickey Mouse operation.
There are some words you can't just take back, no matter how sorry you say you are.
Some one really need to teach Facebook people the concept behind the saying, "If its not broken, don't fix it". The new NEWSFEED is just hideous. And now I cant filter sh!t that I hate.
As a comedian, people don't care about you until you speak, then they like you. As a model it's the opposite.
I'm trying not to judge, but your silver front teeth scream "Medi-Cal".
I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
Actually, officer,,, I prefer to think that PBR smells like me.
I think I should tell you what people are saying behind your back.……. Nice Ass!!
They don't want to learn they just want to be right! 