Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some one really need to teach Facebook people the concept behind the saying, "If its not broken, don't fix it". The new NEWSFEED is just hideous. And now I cant filter sh!t that I hate.

   As a comedian, people don't care about you until you speak, then they like you. As a model it's the opposite.

   I'm trying not to judge, but your silver front teeth scream "Medi-Cal".

   I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

   Actually, officer,,, I prefer to think that PBR smells like me.

   I think I should tell you what people are saying behind your back.……. Nice Ass!!

   They don't want to learn they just want to be right!

   im tired of arguing with myself.. I wish I would just stfu and mind my own business..

   I think everything my children have said for the past 48 hours has been in the form of a question. I'm living in Alex Trebek's nightmare.

   Fortunately women have the miraculous ability to change the meaning of their actions after the event.

   I wish the cast of Jersey Shore had to compete in the Hunger Games.

   The best place to hide a dead body is page 2 of Google search results.

   Never give up on something you really want. It's difficult to wait, but more difficult to regret.

   It's like these people at work don't even know who I think I am.

   Please don't ask me how many sinks I've pissed in." - me taking a polygraph test

   I once dated a girl who looked exactly like her dog. Hey St. Bernards are cute, shut up!

   I know the corn on the cob is going to be good when it squirts me in the face while I peel it... I SO feel like a female porn star.

   alone with the kids for the weekend. I have 18 hours of Pixar movies and a squirt gun full of high-fructose corn syrup. Should be fine.

   just stuck pink sparkly streamers in the handgrips of a custom skull painted harley in the parkin lot, now I jus waitin for the ogre..i mean, owner to find em

   They say honesty is the best policy. I dunno who"they"are so until they come forward ima lie like hell...