Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was?

   The signs of the hypocrite are three: when he speaks, he lies; when he makes a promise, he breaks it; and when he is entrusted with something, he betrays that trust.

   NOTHING is IMPOSSIBLE... even the word itself says "IM POSSIBLE."

   Dear alarm clock, that stunt you pulled this morning waking me up was not funny at all. Next time you wake me up early you will see me with a hammer in my hands

   You know its trouble when your farts pass warm....

   ‎~ Lindsay Lohan staggered into court. The judge explained, "Ms Lohan, you've been brought here for drinking", to which Lindsay replied, "Great! When do we get started?!".

   needs to clean my house....is there an app for that?

   teach you how to dougie ? how about I teach you how to pull up your pants

   thinks if your dog is wearing clothes, you're probably an a-hole.

   Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young ones

   I zone out once my teacher says "This will not be on the test."

   thinks copy & paste is the greatest invention ever thinks copy & paste is the greatest invention ever thinks copy & paste is the greatest...

   Best bumper sticker ever. Get off your phone and concentrate on being a sh@tty driver.

   My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

   reckons anti-wrinkle cream doesn't work. If it did, women wouldn't have any fingerprints

   A reporter asked Philadelphia Eagles QB Micheal Vick what the biggest difference is between prison and the NFL. He replied, "In the NFL, I only have 11 guys I have to run away from that's trying to get my ass."

   gonna write something funny but I cracked under pressure

   was considering an all-vegetarian diet but it turns out you are not allowed to hunt vegetarians

   Any negative people today will be greeted with a high five and a swift ball kick.

   Well, I guess the good news is that it's going to be a helluva lot easier to stop watching Duck Dynasty than it was to stop eating at Chick-Fil-A