Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everytime I see "ROFL"... I think of Scooby Doo trying to say "waffle".

   "Thank you for calling Dell Customer Support. How may I help you?" "Transfer me to an American or I am switching to Macs."

   If you can't afford a Doctor, go to an airport- you'll get a free xray and a breast exam and if you mention Al Qaeda , you'll get a free colonoscopy.

   Why are pure Vegetarian Women silent during SEX.? Ans: They are in a state of Shock that a piece of Meat can give so much Pleasure.

   Hamburger Helper only works when the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.

   Wow! that was close! I almost gave a F*ck!

   Pre-ejaculatory fluid - It's a sign of things to come.

   keep your hourly updates going, I really am enjoying them...really. /sarcasm

   I drank so much vodka last night that my liver is giving me the finger!

   loves the feeling of new socks on his feet...

   has decided that TVs are only made for two things, football and porn. Both are actually very different, one is were sweaty men pile on top of each other and the other one is just football.

   I hear there is a new facebook game coming out soon...it's called Getalifeville!!!

   My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was?

   The signs of the hypocrite are three: when he speaks, he lies; when he makes a promise, he breaks it; and when he is entrusted with something, he betrays that trust.

   NOTHING is IMPOSSIBLE... even the word itself says "IM POSSIBLE."

   Dear alarm clock, that stunt you pulled this morning waking me up was not funny at all. Next time you wake me up early you will see me with a hammer in my hands

   You know its trouble when your farts pass warm....

   ‎~ Lindsay Lohan staggered into court. The judge explained, "Ms Lohan, you've been brought here for drinking", to which Lindsay replied, "Great! When do we get started?!".

   needs to clean my house....is there an app for that?

   teach you how to dougie ? how about I teach you how to pull up your pants