Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am gonna get death threats for this: I really hate peeps, they taste gross.

   It's been a while since anybody has posted they're having a bagel, sorry no pictures. . .

   When one door closes another one opens... if that were true, imagine trying to get in the car. It would be like an episode of Mr Bean.

   Who else remembers having cases of CDs?? With labels like "party mix", "rap" and "Slow jams"

   I'm a male, so I guess my job is to tell you're wrong. By the way, where is my sandwich?

   The "mayday" button on the new Kindle Fire should be renamed the "let me show you my weiner" button,,, 'cause that's all it's gonna be used for.

   Women only! - 1st rule of Right Club.

   "Once in a while I like to pretend I hear something they dont. It drives them crazy....." -Every stupid household dog

   They should send "Get well soon" cards to people who forgot to pay their water bill.

   I'm having a really bad hair day. All the humidity at this pool is making my hair frizzy, unmanageable, and hang outside my Speedo.

   Gay marriage absolutely has affected me. I sat on my couch tonight, looked around, and questioned the decor in my living room.....these colors are so last week.

   Toby Keith just threatened to "spank the siht" out Ariana Grande!

   Why don't the Greeks make p 0rn? Because there is no money shot.

   Life's a piano and I'm wearing boxing gloves

   Just once, I want someone to look at me and say,, “That’s him, He’s the one”...And not follow it with, “Who ate cake out of the garbage”

   Did you hear about the guy who robbed the store with a pair of scissors? Well long story short, apparently bullet also beats scissors.

   11 year olds today: "Omg I love smokin pot. I get like so drunk. Yolo!" Me when I was 11: "I can't wait to go home and play Club Penguin!

   I hate when my boss makes me earn my money. What is his problem?

   every Tuesday is "Fat Tuesday" at Wal-Mart.

   In dog beers, I only had 1