Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gay marriage absolutely has affected me. I sat on my couch tonight, looked around, and questioned the decor in my living room.....these colors are so last week.

   Toby Keith just threatened to "spank the siht" out Ariana Grande!

   Why don't the Greeks make p 0rn? Because there is no money shot.

   Life's a piano and I'm wearing boxing gloves

   Just once, I want someone to look at me and say,, “That’s him, He’s the one”...And not follow it with, “Who ate cake out of the garbage”

   Did you hear about the guy who robbed the store with a pair of scissors? Well long story short, apparently bullet also beats scissors.

   11 year olds today: "Omg I love smokin pot. I get like so drunk. Yolo!" Me when I was 11: "I can't wait to go home and play Club Penguin!

   I hate when my boss makes me earn my money. What is his problem?

   every Tuesday is "Fat Tuesday" at Wal-Mart.

   In dog beers, I only had 1

   Ok, when are Mayans going to claim responsibility for the Meteorite attack on Russia?

   PMS jokes aren't funny. Period!

   Apparently this guy on the street was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad dude, my bad.

   Sometimes for fun I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they open the door,,, I say, "Hey! Sorry I'm late."

   If you don't like something shoot it; if you can't shoot it, think about it while you're shooting something else.

   I just read Cubans can travel abroad more easily now. I hope they know they can't use buttons and chicken bones for money here.

   How much cooler would it have been if Apple made Mini-Me introduce the iPad mini?

   sippin' my coffee in peace and quiet!! Life is good :)

   How are there still millions of bald men in this country when there is an abondance of permanent markers?

   Happy Thanksgiving ya'll! Don't forget to set your scale forward 45 lbs. ahead