Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed....

   wonders how much it cost the federal government to send 120 million letters notifying citizens the census forms are coming and how important they are!

   To spare the rod is to spoil the child.....every child needs a whack on the butt everynow and then.

   Honk if you Love Trump. Drive into a Tree if you Love Hillary.

   After sex I enjoy a big glass of get the fu-ck out of my house.

   I saw a nail hole in the bathroom and quickly realized I was in an Asian gloryhole.

   Miley Cyrus named #1 in the Maxim Hot 100 list??? Its been a few years since my subscription expired, but when did Maxim become a magazie for gays?

   money is the root of all evil, until the collection plate comes around

   Judge: "Wen did you realised you hv been raped?" Prostitute: "When the cheque bounced"

   Why does every girl think it's ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?

   Just learned the hard way not to scream hi to my friend jack on a plane.

   thinks Mr. Trump should ask a more important question next time around like... "Where is Osama Bin Laden?" or better yet, I'm waiting for Obama to ask Trump if his hair is real and to prove it! JUST SAYIN'

   says 10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash – Now we have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't let Kevin Bacon die!!!!

   today, when I asked my dad why wedding dresses are white, he replied; "son, all household appliances come in white".

   My wife said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's pop group The Monkees. I thought she was joking....and then I saw her face.....

   no longer the statue and now the pigeon

   updating FB while getting a bj

   People without a college degree: A piece of paper don’t mean jack$hit. People with a college degree: Hey you, get back to work.

   Olympic Medals: U.S.-104 Great Britain- 64 So much for us "Fat Americans"!!! United States Rock!!!

   what makes Trump a winner? He isn't Obama, isn't that enough for the rest of the world who had to suffer through 8 years of hell to celebrate?