Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Giving your friend “the look” when you see someone attractive.

   Its a t!t bit nipply outside... I breast go in where its a little bit hooter

   When I'm drunk I just hit any buttons and put my faith in autocorrect.

   Be a lady's man, not a ladies man.

   i was reading this article by Oprah and she said her life began at 50, I think what she meant is she weighed 50 pounds when she was born

   It's a good day to be a privileged white man.

   America...the land of the dumbs.

   Oh yeah I almost forgot, I truly couldn't care any less that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt got married. She's just another example of rich white trash.

   wondering how she can go forward when she doesn't know which way she's facing

   Q. What is the definition of a perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.

   A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed....

   wonders how much it cost the federal government to send 120 million letters notifying citizens the census forms are coming and how important they are!

   To spare the rod is to spoil the child.....every child needs a whack on the butt everynow and then.

   Honk if you Love Trump. Drive into a Tree if you Love Hillary.

   After sex I enjoy a big glass of get the fu-ck out of my house.

   I saw a nail hole in the bathroom and quickly realized I was in an Asian gloryhole.

   Miley Cyrus named #1 in the Maxim Hot 100 list??? Its been a few years since my subscription expired, but when did Maxim become a magazie for gays?

   money is the root of all evil, until the collection plate comes around

   Judge: "Wen did you realised you hv been raped?" Prostitute: "When the cheque bounced"

   Why does every girl think it's ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?