Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whats the difference between a peeping tom and a pickpocket? A pickpocket snatches watches......

   Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the 'S'

   put a number on it by looking up the route on a fare-finding site….So it would've cost Will Smith about $8,356.96 to get from West Philly to Bel-Air!! Dang Uncle Phil was really loaded then!!!

   Mirror: You look amazing. Camera: I don't think so... Friends: Hey you, someone looks beautiful! Self-esteem: You're ugly.

   I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks....... To.the alligators

   "Happy last earth day" ~ Mayans

   "The View" is pointless. Those ladies need to stop talking about politics and start passing around sandwich recipes.

   My only argument with using the treadmill,, is that I can't run away from my farts.

   Oral sex is a beautiful way to say good night.

   Even as we speak, the Fine Young Cannibals try to find a way to revive their careers in light of recent news stories on cannibalism.

   Giving your friend “the look” when you see someone attractive.

   Its a t!t bit nipply outside... I breast go in where its a little bit hooter

   When I'm drunk I just hit any buttons and put my faith in autocorrect.

   Be a lady's man, not a ladies man.

   i was reading this article by Oprah and she said her life began at 50, I think what she meant is she weighed 50 pounds when she was born

   It's a good day to be a privileged white man.

   America...the land of the dumbs.

   Oh yeah I almost forgot, I truly couldn't care any less that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt got married. She's just another example of rich white trash.

   wondering how she can go forward when she doesn't know which way she's facing

   Q. What is the definition of a perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.