Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   a guy dating a twin, haha, try telling her she's one of a kind!

   I bet Quagmire has tons of child support to pay.

   Her eyes were like diamonds, so shiny and bright. But her teeth were like stars... they come out every night.

   I think the show "Toddlers & Tiaras" was named that way because "Strippers in training" and "Mothers with self esteem issues" just wasn't as catchy.

   … Everytime I see a mattress on top of a car I think it's a prostitute making house calls …

   If your vigina is anything like my hand then we should not have a problem

   Right Now: Fox News: Deadly bridge collapse in Miami. CNN: Trump witch hunt. MSLSD: Trump witch hunt.

   Christian Democrats the perfect oxymoron !

   You guys do realize you are all mourning someone famous for shoving hot wheels up their ass right?.. OK just checking.

   God got kicked out of our schools and the devil walked right on in......

   In hindsight, saying "goochie goochie goo" while tickling my girlfriend's clitoris was probably a bad idea.

   I had sex last night from 1:55 to 3:02...I thought I was a machine until I realized the time had just changed.

   I would love nothing more than to see the Heat to lose in the first round.

   They should make a show like cash cab called Cats Cab where people get into a taxi and a cat is driving and all these flashing lights go off, but instead of answering questions everyone dies because cats can't drive.

   To all my Atheist and Agnostic friends. T_IF!

   just saved a lot of money on my car insurance by fleeing the scene of the accident.

   A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss. lol ;)

   boobbies make me happy click if you like boobbies, say it boobies

   What do you call a white guy who parties too much? A club cracker.

   I didn't post this status somebody else made it happen!!!