Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Amnesia sounds so relaxing.

   I use to hate facial hair, but it grew on me.

   Girl Pro Tip: Save up to 80% on life by being born pretty.

   Knock on your neighbors door and ask if they've seen your cat. When they say no pull your cat out of your pocket and make the introductions

   I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth

   Should Dave Ramsey's website take credit cards?.... I wonder...

   Fly Eagles fly. To your offseason vacations and free agents meeting with other teams. Since you don't have playoffs to worry about.

   "OMG that guy is dead!! No wait, he's okay..." - My wife's first time watching professional soccer

   "I can't wait for New Years to be over!" -my liver

   suge knight out here killin people, wu-tang about to drop a new album, gas under $2.... I feel like a kid again.

   Too bad the Kardashians drove off into a snow ditch and not off a cliff....

   Well, well, well.... If it isn't that thing that gives me water out of the ground.

   You guys wanna know why my wife and I have such a great relationship? Its because I don't try to run her life and I don't try to run mine.

   Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.

   Quick shout out to all the girls that are in their period and haven't told their boyfriends yet.

   Always tell your girlfriend the truth...the carefully edited truth.

   playing a fun drinking game. Every time somebody says "you can't drink alcohol in the office" I have to down a shot.

   the waitress asked me what I'd like to order...I said "**x on the beach"---she misunderstood me and got me the drink!

   I wish I had a "friend with benefits." By benefits I mean they would own an ice cream store, and the benefits would be free ice cream.

   If your not pissing green tomorrow, you're doing today wrong.