Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

   Build a man a fire he's warm for a day, set him on fire and he's warm the rest of his life.

   "Donald Trump is the greatest!" I am Hillary Clinton and I approve this message.

   ENGAGED!! ..........in a good cause

   Obama's speech tonight: Me me me me I I I I me I me I me me me I my my me me I I my me. Oh, and I........

   I had a nightmare. I was having s-e-x with Paula Dean d0ggie style. I was pulling her hair and she was screaming, "AH CAINT BLEEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER!"

   joining the army. He hears it's a great way to meet people. Then kill them.

   stimulating his package.

   poured his heart out, it evaporated....

   thinks the fine people at Aleve are very wise indeed. For headaches, take two Aleve, and keep away from children.

   No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

   New Yorkers could probably bail that water out a lot faster if they weren't limited to using 16 oz cups huh Bloomberg? BABOOM! *drops micc

   If someday we all go to prison for downloading music, I can only hope that they split us up by music genre.

   I don't care that you don't support The President. Hell, you can't even support yourself !

   R.I.P. Rosie O'Donnell. Oh, sorry. It was Hugh Hefner who died. I thought it said Huge Heifer.

   The new white Iphone is so white, that all Siri talks about is Pumpkin Spice Lattes, and it instagrams all of your food automatically.

   Went from Being Single to.... In a Relationship with God.

   Morality is doing what is right no matter what you are told. Religion is doing what you are told no matter what is right.

   A friend posted "If Donald Trumps Wins, America is Doomed." I posted "where have you been the past 6 1/2 years?"

   I f I have am erection that lasts longer than 4 hours, I'm not calling a doctor...I'm calling a film crew!