Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My hats off to the Jets. They made Tom Brady look like Greg Brady.

   : Ahhh, fall is is the air... and on my lawn, and on my car, and on my driveway...

   "Man Falls Off Bridge While Urinating" Authorities are still trying to figure out what pissed him off.

   I just descovered 3 words to make any teenager run in terror. "Time To Clean".....

   Never go to Traffic Court and say, "Shut up, Your Honor...I'm not done talking."

   Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children

   I stood in front of the condom rack at the drug store and asked random people in the store if they knew if there was a size bigger than magnum... then I went and asked the cashier, "Where is the fitting room?"

   Heard the best pick up line of my life last night: "Excuse me. Are you capable of an intelligent conversation?"

   How dare you incinerate that I don't know big words

   1 tequila, 2 tequila,s 3 tequiklas, 4 teuiqlas, 5 teiuqlsd, 6 teiqulkss, 7 eteiqlas, 8 treqiklasl, 9 travquikas, 10 trewquwtss

   Yes, I have a girlfriend. Oh...wait, No...thats a fridge. I have a Fridge.

   My blood hound was just attacked by a Crip hound.

   so hungry I could eat a horse!! Here I come burger king!

   My middle finger gets horny every time it sees you.

   Fake Love: Her: Good morning love of my life, beat of my heart. Him: God morning sunshine, reason I live. True Love: Her: coffee if you want it. Him: Ehhhh.

   Today... I'm opening up a Battered Shrimp Shelter... in my stomach.

   Apparently, people go to "sex rehab" because there isn't a "got busted being stupid" rehab!

   If a tomato is a fruit, does that make ketchup a smoothie

   Most husbands often fantasize about Googling their Twitter on their wife's Facebook. Married reality for me is that she wont even look at Myspace anymore.

   Why is it when someone is under water on TV, I hold my breath also?