Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Idea: A Roomba type of device that putters around the house and then shoots a deadly laser at anyone who says "bro" a lot.

   When I think of a good status update in the shower, I run out dripping & naked and post it before the internet ends and it's too late.

   I always collect hair from hairbrushes at party...that way, IF I decide to commit a crime, they'll think it was 23 different people, not me

   went to an all you can eat restaraunt...I've been here 12 hrs...fixin to start breakfast all over again

   the best jobs are the ones that require sweats an flip flops

   I was raised by two really amazing parents, so you can only imagine how much work I had to do to turn out to be this $@^#&! of a person.

   I'd be more willing to date, if women were less willing to talk.

   beware of dog...........the cat is fvcking shady as well

   I want to hold hands and waste friday nights with you while we both getting wasted.

   I disagree revenge is a dish best served with arsenic.

   You can be dysfunctional, retarded, ugly, promiscuous, pregnant, fat, obnoxious, sick, drunk, or high, but make sure you know the difference between 'YOUR' and 'YOU'RE' or ‘THAN' and ‘THEN'.

   A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.

   High School Spanish class taught me just enough to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had.

   My internet was running slow today so I knocked on my neighbors' door and asked if they could place their router a bit closer to the window.

   I know two wrongs don't make a right, obviously... But how many does it take? I'm like on 396.

   I'm proud to announce that my wife and I are expecting a bacon.

   I'm so old that I remember when # was called a number sign.

   I forgot to post a picture of my lunch. So it never happened...

   The closest I am to having any "Swag" is the Old Spice Swagger deodorant, sitting in my bathroom cabinet.

   How dare the Heat try to sign the best free agents!!! Unlike... um... every single other team..