Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If it wasn't for bad luck, I would have good luck.

   Food for thought: The guy that wanted to destroy Western civilization, lived in a mansion, near a golf course, drank both Coke and Pepsi products while urging his followers to blow themselves up. No word yet on what was on his iPod.

   I wonder if people with foot fetishes get off on watching the Flinstones?

   Geez O pete's just legalize marijauna already...just for the simple fact that stoner's won't have anything else to talk about, ever!!

   So I was looking at the Oregano at work and saw a cop come in and I don't know why but I hid it...

   They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what! Who wants to be in a hurry?!?

   Never take a boat ride in shark-infested waters with a stranger who calls you Chum.

   Just when you think your the center of attetion...I show up

   She: I spend hours in front of the mirror admiring my beauty. Do you think that's vanity? He: No. I think that's imagination.

   I guarantee you that the iPhone 5 will be easier to break

   you have permission to update my status to "is dead" when my time comes

   When my texts won't send, I feel isolated, like Tom Hanks in "Cast Away".

   Arguing with your Boss is like fighting a pig in mud. In the end , you will get dirty and he actually enjoys it.

   To the anonymous person that keeps sending all that damn porn to my phone.. get a new phone with a better camera please! :)

   The last time there were sparks in my bedroom is when I was watching porn under the electric blanket

   That's ok. Iv'e been meaning to clean that table with a full glass of water for a while.

   if NASA scientists are so smart, why didnt they pay attention to physics...what goes up must come down

   if I'm not sure wich one you are in the picture, I'm going to assume you're the ugly one

   What do you have when you have two balls in your hands? A man's undivided attention.

   Some people need to realize that Facebook is a social networking, not a diary.