Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's hilarious how sensitive people get when you ignore them....ON FACEBOOK!

   What do you call sex on a Greyhound bus? The 3 foot high club!

   I'll explain my status update right after you explain why you're so ignorant.

   So Rihanna is in a new movie playing an assassin.. If anyone knows something about being a hit woman, it's Rihanna.

   69: because giving each other happy endings at the same time is very mature.

   Just remember this holiday season, if you say "May you kiss may ass" really fast, it sound just like "Merry Christmas"..

   My new GF: "Wow, look at all this beer you have in your fridge. You must love to drink." Me: "No, I just hate to run out of beer."

   What doesn't kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren't good enough for death.

   Sorry, parents of ugly children on Facebook, those Christmas sweaters didn't help; just made them uglier in a festive way.

   it's not fair how a woman never knows what she's gonna get til his pants are off

   I guess it's time to lose some weight. I cut myself shaving and gravy came out...

   By ignoring me, you have just made yourself a powerful stalker!

   Does anyone else feel more sorry for the dog with the homeless guy than the guy himself?

   Hugo Chavez: First confirmed victim of sequester......

   Elections show how desperate human beings are to be led by douchebags called politicians.

   Selena Gomez made Justin Bieber cry by telling him Tom cruise is taken by another guy.

   GUYS: If you're out at the Youth Fair and you can't find your wife or girlfriend and you're ready to go, start talking to the hottest chick there. She'll find you immediately!

   A study shows that breast implants can cause nausea and dizziness…from all the free drinks.

   Found some old Playboys in the attic from the 70's, maybe they shpuld have named the magazine "Hair Club for Men".

   If you come across a stranger in a dark alley immediately hug him so he knows you're not a threat.