Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girl told me that in some cultures women don’t mow the lawn and I told her in some cultures women go to work and earn their own money for shopping. She outside busy mowing the lawn now.

   "Well, she told me to fist her" - Chris Brown

   And the winner for the best reader of a teleprompter award goes to...

   I flexed my muscles at this girl and my shirt ripped. Yeah, her boyfriend ripped it while he was kicking my ass.

   I'm only going to be online until I get off.

   This girl on Facebook is dying her hair blonde tonight. Omg she's nervous, you guys.

   Seriously, do I look like a Valentine's person?

   Parker Brothers has replaced the Iron game piece in Monopoly with a cat. In response, Mattel has replaced the word "Yes" in the Magic 8 Ball with "Fo Shizzle!"

   The other day I went so far back into someone's timeline I ended up on their MySpace page.

   I think I might have had a wee bit too much green beer last night. I woke up this morning next to Paddy O’Furniture.

   People that tell me they never use dirty words must be boring as hell in the bedroom. What do they scream? "Touch my no-no and make me squish-squish?"

   Sometimes I like to go to Applebee's,,, and give them money not to bring me any food.

   Good afternoon fellow friends. Today we're going to talk about Creativity. You see, creativity is... umm hold on a sec. Google is still loading...

   To avoid identity theft when I die, I want to be shredded.

   Hey people that are jog, if you really wanna sell me on this jogging thing, you are gonna have to stop making those faces that make it look like it sucks.

   My obsessive compulsive disorders bring boys to the yard. In alphabetical order

   So Megan Fox Is single this is my chance

   If money was grown on trees, women would be dating monkeys

   why would anybody put 99 bottles of beer up on a wall in the 1st place?

   "40 is the new 20!" - math teacher who's about to be fired