Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tom cruise is going to leave Scientology? Will he take the Bullet or the beating- or the massage from john travolta?

   "DONE!" - Color blind person solving a Rubik's Cube

   looking for a good retractable leash. when I walk my turtle I hate when it gets to far ahead of me

   Remember that weird kid who ate boogers in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! ,,Just kidding, He died......... (come on,,he ate boogers)

   The Mayans have predicted that the world will end on December 21st 2012. I keep thinking I should make some kind of preparation for survival. But then I've only just finished the last can of baked beans I bought for the Millennium Bug.

   I told Santa what I wanted for Christmas, now I'm on the naughty list

   My girl told me that in some cultures women don’t mow the lawn and I told her in some cultures women go to work and earn their own money for shopping. She outside busy mowing the lawn now.

   "Well, she told me to fist her" - Chris Brown

   And the winner for the best reader of a teleprompter award goes to...

   I flexed my muscles at this girl and my shirt ripped. Yeah, her boyfriend ripped it while he was kicking my ass.

   I'm only going to be online until I get off.

   This girl on Facebook is dying her hair blonde tonight. Omg she's nervous, you guys.

   Seriously, do I look like a Valentine's person?

   Parker Brothers has replaced the Iron game piece in Monopoly with a cat. In response, Mattel has replaced the word "Yes" in the Magic 8 Ball with "Fo Shizzle!"

   The other day I went so far back into someone's timeline I ended up on their MySpace page.

   I think I might have had a wee bit too much green beer last night. I woke up this morning next to Paddy O’Furniture.

   People that tell me they never use dirty words must be boring as hell in the bedroom. What do they scream? "Touch my no-no and make me squish-squish?"

   Sometimes I like to go to Applebee's,,, and give them money not to bring me any food.

   Good afternoon fellow friends. Today we're going to talk about Creativity. You see, creativity is... umm hold on a sec. Google is still loading...

   To avoid identity theft when I die, I want to be shredded.