Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My new French girlfriend hates it when I pull her hair during sex. She says it makes her armpits sore for days.

   If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I'm going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That's what I did."

   Politicians should be limited to two terms. One in office and one in prison.

   I've never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.

   I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I'll be notified immediately.

   Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.

   I haven't gotten a handjob in forever, but when I saw my wife beating a can of biscuits on the kitchen counter, I remebered why.

   After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.

   The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.

   If I'm ever on life support, pull the plug and plug it back in. See if that works.

   Would like to give a big shout out to people that are hard of hearing.

   would like to thank Facebook for reacquainting me not just with old friends but also with people I never liked much in the past and for reminding me why in the present.

   traffic lights turn green so fast, I cant even update my status

   Breaking News!!!!! Spongebob Square Pants found Dead in oil patch........

   Shrek beat Sex and The City at the box office this past weekend. It was quite a showdown between two very unique movies. One is about a hideous creature and all of it's friends, and the other one is Shrek.

   One day my ex-wife asked me if her new jeans made her butt look big, I said I don't know, let me jog around back there and check. Hence the ex-wife.

   why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

   So if tomorrow is the first day of summer, that means tonight is SUMMERS EVE right? Let me know if I am being a douche...

   I stopped by the apple store and used their bathroom .. iPeed

   According to my childhood, 1 out of 3 pigs are excellent builders.