Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life, Karma and Payback walk into a bar. BlTCH NIGHT OUT!

   I bet she's being a royal pain in the ass right about now.

   I had a minute left on the car vac timer, so I vacuumed out my dandruff. If that isn't efficiency, I don't know what is.

   Everyone pretends to die in front of their dog, just to see how they would react

   it just me or do country line dancers look like redneck zombies??

   My pre-nup will indicate that I'm allowed to unplug her life support system should my phone need charging....

   I was going to post a status about pizza but it was too cheezy

   "Sure, why not" - Nicolas Cage being offered any role for any movie

   What girls age 18-22 lack in personality and sexual skills, they more than make up for by being incredibly gullible and naive.

   Most girls want a polite thug... A dude who will open the door for her but will still smack that ass as she walks past.

   My wife is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and currently looking over my shoulder

   Every time a cat dies, somewhere out there "Curiosity" is high-fiving his buddies.

   That yellow shirt looks good on you... It really brings out the color in your teeth.

   Drunks arguing over music will probably be one of the rooms in hell.

   Called my teacher "mom" today....my teacher is a guy.

   Mom: you're all dressed up, where are you going? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new facebook picture.

   The number two cause of death among teenagers in America today are guns. The number one cause of death? Not having a gun.

   Imagine you're a NASCAR driver, your name is Brandon, and someone asks you to define the most pivotal moment of your career.

   ... Rule #1: The Police Officer is ALWAYS Right. ..... Rule #2: If the Police Officer is ever Wrong, refer to Rule #1

   I think the scariest costume I saw was a woman dressed as the Creature from the Black Lagoon. Either that or Nancy Pelosi had just come out of a Botox appointment.