Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Sure, why not" - Nicolas Cage being offered any role for any movie

   What girls age 18-22 lack in personality and sexual skills, they more than make up for by being incredibly gullible and naive.

   Most girls want a polite thug... A dude who will open the door for her but will still smack that ass as she walks past.

   My wife is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and currently looking over my shoulder

   Every time a cat dies, somewhere out there "Curiosity" is high-fiving his buddies.

   That yellow shirt looks good on you... It really brings out the color in your teeth.

   Drunks arguing over music will probably be one of the rooms in hell.

   Called my teacher "mom" today....my teacher is a guy.

   Mom: you're all dressed up, where are you going? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new facebook picture.

   The number two cause of death among teenagers in America today are guns. The number one cause of death? Not having a gun.

   Imagine you're a NASCAR driver, your name is Brandon, and someone asks you to define the most pivotal moment of your career.

   I think the scariest costume I saw was a woman dressed as the Creature from the Black Lagoon. Either that or Nancy Pelosi had just come out of a Botox appointment.

   ... Rule #1: The Police Officer is ALWAYS Right. ..... Rule #2: If the Police Officer is ever Wrong, refer to Rule #1

   OK am not one to brag..but I think I deserve a medal..I Just rescued a beer that was trapped in the fridge!

   I just got kicked out of a casino for misunderstanding the use of a crap table

   typing the postcodes of nudist colonies into Google Earth and pressing 'zoom'...

   Men are like mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

   I always wondered what it would be like to work for an oil company. Now I know!

   NEW GAMESHOW : I'm more socially functional then a homeschool kid.

   Sometimes your princess in a crown and evening gown is just a retard in a helmet and a Snuggie.