Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

   If you don't like gay marriage blame straight people. They're the ones who keep on having gay babies.

   Everyone deserves to be treated equally. It doesnt matter if your gay or black or a woman or normal.

   My dentist saw The Lion King twelve times.

   Here's an idea. While everyone is taking a knee for the National Anthem, let's stop the music and announce "Since we are all kneeling, let us pray....."

   I slept in this really nice hotel, the towels were so thick I could barely close my suitcase

   if you have ever pushed a door that said pull .

   so "Diet Pepsi" and "Diet Coke" are now linked to increased weight, diabetes, risk of stroke/heart disease and they ruin your taste buds.... Can we change the name now to just "Gross Tasting Drink"?

   i'm going to open a asian restauraunt on a boat and call it the Thai-tantic

   Dear haters, I'm not your enemy. I'm your hero.

   4 out of 5 voices in my head say “go for it”

   This vodka diet is freaking awesome, I've already lost 3 days.

   The words that sunk a million hearts... "Let's just be friends"

   When I die, I want to be cremated regardless of cost... I feel like I've urned it.

   Dear Vancouver: Did your rioting get your Canucks the Stanley Cup? No? That's what I thought.

   I want Mythbusters to find out if fat girls really do give better head!!

   Are you cold?" No dumbass, I'm on fuc?ing vibrate mode.

   My wife's like a Magic 8-ball. If you keep shaking her, She will eventually give you the answer you want.

   If Anne hath a will, Anne Hathaway.

   My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.