Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   so "Diet Pepsi" and "Diet Coke" are now linked to increased weight, diabetes, risk of stroke/heart disease and they ruin your taste buds.... Can we change the name now to just "Gross Tasting Drink"?

   i'm going to open a asian restauraunt on a boat and call it the Thai-tantic

   Dear haters, I'm not your enemy. I'm your hero.

   4 out of 5 voices in my head say “go for it”

   This vodka diet is freaking awesome, I've already lost 3 days.

   The words that sunk a million hearts... "Let's just be friends"

   When I die, I want to be cremated regardless of cost... I feel like I've urned it.

   Dear Vancouver: Did your rioting get your Canucks the Stanley Cup? No? That's what I thought.

   I want Mythbusters to find out if fat girls really do give better head!!

   Are you cold?" No dumbass, I'm on fuc?ing vibrate mode.

   My wife's like a Magic 8-ball. If you keep shaking her, She will eventually give you the answer you want.

   If Anne hath a will, Anne Hathaway.

   My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.

   Do you like Dragons? Cause in a minute I'll be dragon my balls across your face.

   Hey Ashton, when Demi is too old to kick it, I'm available!

   has the 3 best friends that anyone can have. ♫♪ ♫♪ ♫♪ (from the movie "Hangover")

   I hate those ambulances that drive really slow with with their sirens on. There's one behind me now. So annoying.

   Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

   s it possible to set the Gulf of Mexico on fire and turn it into a giant fish fry?

   Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.