Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   has a friend who recently started a new business selling landmines that look like prayer mats... He says it's going really well - prophets are going through the roof...

   I was in the work canteen the other day and started shaking salt all over my chicken. My work colleague looked over and said, "Would you like some chicken to go with that salt?" I replied, "Would you like some laughter to go with that joke?"

   I'm sweating like Joe Biden around an unsupervised child

   My girlfriend is a retard, but she has nice boobs...so it evens out.

   Since today is Labor Day, I am dressing up as a union goon and beating up everyone with a different opinion from mine

   What I call morning wood, you're gonna call breakfast in bed.

   Have you heard about the Facebook that's just for women only? It's called a cookbook.

   My fart on the train today cleared the carriage faster than an Arab with a duffle bag!

   If you put your pinky in your ear and scratch it, it sounds like pacman...

   's dad asked him for a balloon ride, but he said "No, I don't wanna be a hoax"

   Leave North Korea alone. It’s like making fun of the retarded kid who eats crayons.

   I desperately need a "hide political posts" button on Facebook so I can still like all my friends after the election year is over.

   best part of waking up, is breakfast after a nut.

   Moment of silence for people who still wear Aeropostale.

   Wanna hear a cat joke? ...... Just Kitten!!

   Fellaz: Tell her she's ‘beautiful' instead of ‘hot'. She's a woman, not a temperature.

   How much face would a facebook book if a facebook could book face?

   Why do men get lost while out driving? Because don't have a woman sitting beside them telling them where to go and how to get there!

   My new year's resolution is to improve my powers of concentra......... oh look a squirrel

   A girl just flirted with me at a coffee shop. Told her to call me when she's 18 (pounds heavier; I like 'em thick)