Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you put your pinky in your ear and scratch it, it sounds like pacman...

   's dad asked him for a balloon ride, but he said "No, I don't wanna be a hoax"

   Leave North Korea alone. It’s like making fun of the retarded kid who eats crayons.

   I desperately need a "hide political posts" button on Facebook so I can still like all my friends after the election year is over.

   best part of waking up, is breakfast after a nut.

   Moment of silence for people who still wear Aeropostale.

   Wanna hear a cat joke? ...... Just Kitten!!

   Fellaz: Tell her she's ‘beautiful' instead of ‘hot'. She's a woman, not a temperature.

   How much face would a facebook book if a facebook could book face?

   Why do men get lost while out driving? Because don't have a woman sitting beside them telling them where to go and how to get there!

   My new year's resolution is to improve my powers of concentra......... oh look a squirrel

   A girl just flirted with me at a coffee shop. Told her to call me when she's 18 (pounds heavier; I like 'em thick)

   Instead of talking about who isn't paying their fair share of taxes, let's talk about where all of our taxes are being spent.

   All the abortions the democrats have.. They must be aborting the good looking ones.

   .... Wonder what would happen if Hillary Clinton was forced to wear a shock collar that went off every time she lied?

   a Person In Management Position (PIMP)

   thinks my family is afraid of me cooking Thanksgiving dinner. I overheard them setting speed dials for the fire department, poison control...and the bomb squad...

   ..instead of politicians saying "My heart goes out to the brave soldiers fighting in Afghanistan..." how about saying "A plane goes out to the brave soldiers fighting in Afghanistan to get them the f*ck out of there!"?

   In positive news, 6,694,254,041 people completely unaffected by the Pakistan floods.

   Don't you just hate when people put things in their status that you really didn't wanna know? I hate that. Anyways, I gotta go poop