Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If all her furniture is from Rent-A-Center....she's too hood for you bro!

   Summer is almost over... All you half naked bit$hes gonna have to find a personality soon.

   Congratulations goes out to Kate Middleton. She just married Cap'n Crunch

   If you're attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler!

   Oh, you lost your phone and it's on silent? That's too bad. If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it.

   I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

   I guess taking it to the hole has a whole new meaning in the NBA nowadays.

   God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy.

   decided to continue with the beatings until morale improves

   --^v--^v--^v--^v-_____^v--^v--^v-- For a second there, I was bored to death

   starting to see some change I can believe in

   SPIRITUAL PEOPLE ENLIGHTEN ME, RELIGIOUS PEOPLE FRIGHTEN ME

   "If you're havin' girl problems I feel bad for you son I got 99 problems but a b!tch ain't one" -Abraham Lincoln

   Repaired a vacuum the other day. It was easy,,, I just stuck one of Scotty's jokes on it... Now it sucks just fine

   I can't wait for Trump to start writing executive orders, payback's a b****

   I started reading this book that I can't put down. It's filled with sex slavery, polygamy and incest. They're available for free at most hotel rooms.

   Seriously, though... who in the blue hell is voting for Hillary?

   Everyone’s a gangster until they touch something wet in the garbage

   My contact lenses have just fell out and fell down the toilet.. Now I can't see sh!t.

   waiting for Santa to smack me and say ho ho ho