Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   decided to continue with the beatings until morale improves

   --^v--^v--^v--^v-_____^v--^v--^v-- For a second there, I was bored to death

   starting to see some change I can believe in

   SPIRITUAL PEOPLE ENLIGHTEN ME, RELIGIOUS PEOPLE FRIGHTEN ME

   "If you're havin' girl problems I feel bad for you son I got 99 problems but a b!tch ain't one" -Abraham Lincoln

   Repaired a vacuum the other day. It was easy,,, I just stuck one of Scotty's jokes on it... Now it sucks just fine

   I can't wait for Trump to start writing executive orders, payback's a b****

   I started reading this book that I can't put down. It's filled with sex slavery, polygamy and incest. They're available for free at most hotel rooms.

   Seriously, though... who in the blue hell is voting for Hillary?

   Everyone’s a gangster until they touch something wet in the garbage

   My contact lenses have just fell out and fell down the toilet.. Now I can't see sh!t.

   waiting for Santa to smack me and say ho ho ho

   My husband wears the pants in the family... I just tell him what ones to wear.

   What do you call a bunch of millionaires sitting around watching the super bowl?....Dallas Cowboys

   Using a coupon is kind of like playing with your pen!s... At first you're embarrassed... but once the cashier has it in her hand... it's all worth while.

   if someone going to kill, they would purchase a gun no mater what laws were in place..

   I'm pro-choice on every social issue...Simply because it is none of my business how others choose to live their lives. We're only responsible on decisions we make.

   Here's an idea. How about if every person who doesn't want a wall will have to pay a fine? Sort of like Obamacare.

   Females who have multiple abortions should really start making it their business to swallow.

   i can honestly say I have never hated anyone, because that would imply I actually gave a shlt in the first place.